Chapter Four - Big Boss Battle

"What is this ruckus? Did your not hear the command to return to the barracks?" One of the crimson robed figures returns to the hall. "So... you were right here all along. I heard you dispatched Fionaming. You must be powerful indeed. Let's see how you handle a lieutenant of the Crimson Guard!" He brushes back his robe and calls out a summoning spell, "Ezerharden Tomanix!" A black shield with a crimson octagon appears in his left hand, a gleaming sword with jagged teeth along one side appears in his right. "It is you I challenge", he points to Gladiola. "Your friend will have to wait" Waving his hand, and murmuring an arcane phrase, the floor opens and out leaps a large mountain troll. The troll immediately rushes at Steve!.

Boss Battle! You must match blows with the lieutenant if you are to survive. Roll a 1d20 for every attack and it will be compared to the lieutenant's roll. Whomever wins 5 contests first shall emerge victorious.

Gladiola stands at the ready, facing the lieutenant full on, although she allows her peripheral vision to track the troll until he is out of sight. "I'm sure my friend will be happy to dance with your date," she smiles, tossing her hammer from left hand to right, "while you and I come to an... understanding." The pair pace the floor in a large semi-circle, matching step for step and scanning for any weakness to be exploited. Finally Gladiola's lack of patience pushes her to take the first strike! She leaps forward, using a power with which she is becoming comfortable in hopes to keep missteps to a minimum, and slams down on her opponent with great might, yelling "DEATH STORM!" 1D20=10 The lieutenant moves his shield to counter the vicious attack 1d20=6, but he can't withstand the flurry of blows. Several connect with his shoulder and ribs, knocking the wind from him. (Gladiola=1 lieutenant=0)

Steve! grimaces as the troll lumbers forth, blocking his access to lend Gladiola a hand. He dodges left, then right, but both moves are immediately blocked by the beastie, who seems to gather speed when in battle that belies his size. "Fine." Steve! finally resigns himself to the battle at hand, "if you must interfere I'll make you regret the choice one thousand fold!" Steve! pulls his hands, shaped like claws down before him and allows the electricity to build in bright blue arcs between them. As his eyes also begin to spark with blue energy Steve! turns his hands out to face the troll, lightening striking him as if by Zeus himself! 1D20=14 The bolts of energy pierce through the trolls skin, burning and shocking him. He convulses with pain and agony as sparks fly from his every orifice. He falls to his knees as the onslaught ceases. Then Steve! watches as the wounds on the great beast begin to close. The flesh oozing together and reforming. It stands and recommences its assault.

The lieutenant leaps back and recollects himself. Gripping his sword tightly he dashes towards Gladiola, pivots on one foot, and brings his sword around to attack her flank 1d20=6 1D20=17 At the last possible second Gladiola sees the blow flying at her side and manages to leap back, the sword slicing the air a hair's breadth from her armor. As her feet land she bounces off of the wall behind her, rushing back at the Crimson Guard soldier with her hammer swinging back and forth before her. "I know not what authority you use to attack us, red menace, but my Hammer of Justice will teach you the meanings of right and wrong!" So let’s apply this attack to the previous contest and the following dice roll to the next one As Gladiola brings her hammer back, a ghostly figure surrounds it. Robed and pointing a finger directly at the evil soul, it drops the hammer like an ethereal gavel passing judgment over his wrongdoings. The blow lands squarely in his chest and knocks him the floor. The sounds of his armor giving way are heard and great cracks in the chest plate can be seen. (Gladiola=2 lieutenant=0)

"OK, I didn't expect that..." Steve! steps back a pace or two as the mortally wounded monster advances, injury-free. "I see that you come with a trick or two of your own, eh beastie?" he sidles left, hoping to slow the battle with chatter. The troll clearly is not much for conversation, and moves forward quickly. Steve! jumps back, drawing on a new energy that has begun to grow within him recently. Back-peddling further, he draws forth the energy and as he pulls with his mind green pods begin to poke up through the cracks between the floor stones. Small at first, the vines become thicker as they pour forth through the ground and they reach around in the air, wrapping their tendrils around every bit of the troll that they can reach. Their individual strength may be weak, but as more and more vines rush forth, some now cracking the cobblestones and bursting from their heart, they form a mass of bonds dragging the troll to a standstill. 1D20=14

The troll curses and hisses as it struggles against the ever increasing vines. Steve! stands and crosses his arms quite pleased with himself. "Check that out." As he looks closer, he notices that the vines encroachment seems to be progressing rather quickly. His inexperience with his new power has shown itself as the swarming tendrils begin to slither towards him.

Steve! backs up a little, worrying that there is only a little space between he and the vines heading his way. He places one hand on the wall at his back, the other palm-out facing his run-away garden, and he reaches for the energy he had used to summon the vines. "Back," he commands, following with "Stop. Cease. Halt! Quit? Cut it out! Hang on, haf-a-mo, WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY TO GET YOU TO STAY!"

Suddenly the vines stop. Their growth hindered, though, also steals them of their energy and the binds begin to fall limp around the troll. Preparing for what comes next, Steve! pulls out his bow once again and aims it at the monster. "You have to have some sort of weakness..." he mutters as he lets loose with a poison arrow. 1D20=15 The arrow strikes the troll dead center in the chest. It's pale green skin can be seen to turn blue on the surrounding tissue. Streaks of the wicked concoction dart out from the wound as the monster begins to show signs of weakness. It clumsily slashes away at Steve! with its large claws, as it seems to be gasping for air.

Confidence rushes through Gladiola with each successful strike. So much confidence that she lets herself get cocky. She grabs up her hammer and brings it down again dead center on the soldier's armor, seeking to break it clean through, sure that she can complete what the hammer of justice has begun. 1D20=6 (uh oh) 1d20=17 The lieutenant brings his shield around and catches the forceful attack. Seeing his opponent overextended, he sweeps his leg around and catches Gladiola in the back of the knee. Unprepared for the blow, she crumbles. The lieutenant brings his sword around as he leaps to his feet, and connects with the defenseless warrior. (Gladiola=2 lieutenant=1)

She feels her skin break apart under the swords attack and curses herself silently for the hubris that has brought her to her back. Above her the lieutenant prepares for another attack, holding an obvious advantage over her. As her blood attempts to escape through the gash in her side, she pulls up her feet and brings both feet crashing into his knees! Simultaneously she swings her hammer up, holding handle in one hand and head in the other, planning to block the path of his next sword strike. 1D20=13 1d20=6 The mighty lieutenant's legs crumble beneath him as his knees give way to the dastardly assault. He attempts to bring his sword with him as his body crashes down, but it is stopped by the well placed handle of the warrior cleric's hammer. (Gladiola=3 lieutenant=1)

Meanwhile, blue streaks are zipping over the surface of the troll's green skin, definitely taking its toll. However the impact of the poison, while successful, is also slow. The troll gasps, but doesn't stop advancing in Steve!'s direction. As he prepares another volley from his mystical bow he mutters under his breath and sneaks a quick glare at the member of the Crimson Guard. "I will say this: you do have some particularly troublesome pets..." a troll arm whizzes within inches of Steve!'s head, bringing him back to his situation, and he slides to the side and lets a hail of arrows loose at the arm's owner. "Down, boy!" he shouts after them. 1D20=8. The mass of arrows pierce the troll over and over leaving him looking like a giant ravenous evil pincushion. The creatures advance however, does not cease. Wheezing from the surges of poison in his veins, his anger only seems to grow and urge him on.

Battered and in a disadvantageous position, the lieutenant resorts to what all the men in his position have been taught to do. Fight dirty. Sliding his off hand down his leg, it finds a small sheath containing a jagged dagger. He quickly pulls it and jabs toward Gladiola's side 1d20=15 1D20=2 The dagger sinks deep and jaggedy into her waist, a sharp cry her response! She rolls away from the soldier's second poke slapping her hand over the gash, holding in anything she might want to keep for later (spleen, liver, what-have-you) and cursing the dirty shot. As she clambers unsteadily to her feet, leaning heavily on the nearest wall, she relishes in the vision of her opponent holding his knees in pain. "Such a gentleman." she curses at him. "Your mama must be so proud."

"What makes my mother proud," he curses back, also climbing to his feet, "is when I am triumphant."

"Yeah? Well, triumph THIS!" she responds back, pushing off from the wall and spinning her hammer over her head, a windmill of momentum, finally letting it fly directly at the lieutenant's big, fat head! 1D20=5 The lieutenant laughs at the off balance and unremarkable assault. Preparing to dodge the heavy hammer and return the attack with his trusty sword, he chooses instead to grab it from the air. He steps forward 1d20=1, but completely forgets the extreme damage to his knees. The momentary lapse of concentration from the strike of pain shooting like a lightning bolt up his leg, causes him to take the hammer squarely in the forehead. The sound of his great nose cracking and spewing blood turns Gladiola's stomach. The great warrior can't tell which hurts worse. The pulp and fluids that used to be his face, or knowing that his own overconfidence and stupidity caused it. (Gladiola=4 lieutenant=2)

The lieutenant roars in anger. Near death, he summons his remaining strength and charges at Gladiola. His sword draws back over his head as he lays into the warrior cleric, blood streams trailing behind him as he runs. 1d20=18 1D20=5 Her choice to fling her hammer, which seemed like such a good one when it made glorious contact with his face, turns out to leave her weaponless as in the face of his assault. Seeing no other course of action, Gladiola roars as well and rushes at the lieutenant, aiming her shoulder at his mid-section. Sadly, his sword's reach much exceeding her shoulder's, she feels the crushing blow of the blade come down on her back long before she reaches him. The armor absorbs some of the damage, but she feels the sharp touch of steel cut through the center of her back's armor and her skin, the hard impact driving her flat to the floor.

Steve! decides that survival is the better part of valor and turns to run, following the walls of the almost round room to get proper DISTANCE between he and the troll. "At least he's slow." he mutters as he steps behind one of the massive banquet tables, making sure to position the troll on the OTHER side. In far less time then he would have expected his pursuer reaches the table, slashing across the surface in an attempt to grab Steve!'s head and crush it like a fortune cookie. With the tiny bit of breathing room provided by the barrier he considers all the options available to him. "Maybe what I need is a little help." he ponders, pulling his amulet again from his chest and blowing through the hole at one end. The amulet sings like a wooden flute, a high note in a minor, haunting key. In a distant bog some boglings pack bags and head out... 1D20=13

From seemingly every crevice and opening, pour out small creatures. They look like a mixture of gremlin and goblin, with perhaps a dash of lizard. They quickly surround the troll and begin to tear at him. Every piece they rip off seems to slowly re-grow. The troll trashes about, trying to smack away the horde of ravenous monsters. Screaming in pain he dances around the room, seemingly no longer interested in trying to attack Steve!...at least for the moment. But a moment is enough, and as the boglings keep the troll distracted from Steve! he combines two powers in his bowels (ewww!) and sends a hail of poisoned arrows into the troll. With any luck the rush of poison to his system will finally bring the behemoth to a stop. ummm...dice roll...anyone...dice roll? 1D20=1 (now I know why I subconsciously didn't want to roll.) The two magics swirl and mix and let loose a rainstorm of poison death. Cascading down around the troll, they strike each and every one of the boglings. They begin to wretch and wail as one by one they fall. Some have foam streaming from their mouths, some great torrents of unknown fluids from their eyes and ears. Others seem to pop open as they scream "Why...why have you done this master?" The troll grabs a few of the less gooey corpses and drops them in his gaping mouth. The added nourishment seems to speed the healing of his many wounds. His attention returns to Steve!.

The success of his last assault invigorates the lieutenant. He licks the blood from the edge of his blade while a devilish smile can barely be made out across he smashed face. "How sweet. I want some more!" He spins around trying to catch the adventurer with another strike. 1d20=3 1D20=14 If he had not been so brash in his follow-through he might have dealt a fatal blow. However Gladiola, though blind with pain from her jarred and scarred back, manages to reach out with her arms and find... ankles. Weak, spindly little girl ankles, just sitting there, daring her to abuse them. And so abuse them she does. She wraps her strong hands one around each ankle and rolls to the left, hearing the gratifying 'snap!' of puny bones in her hands. The soldier's sword crashes down into the stone floor, sending stone chips flying, and he screams in agony as his legs refuse to support his weight a moment more! The evil dagger he so treacherously used before falls from his other hand, its handle getting caught between the gap of the stones in the floor. As his legs give way, his tremendous heavy head plummets directly on the jagged blade and it drives straight into his skull. He body quivers a few times before lying still. (Victory Gladiola!)

Steve! stands facing a pile of massacred helpful bogglings and a rejuvenated, even cheery troll. Feeling like he's running out of energy and ideas, he pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers, wracking his poor, sad brain.

"Need a hand?"

There, as if the answer to his prayers, stands Gladiola! She's holding her back with one hand, her side with another (with blood leaking through her fingers), and her hammer hanging from its strap around her wrist. But she's there, and she could make the difference in this never-ending battle against this DAMNED troll! She sees the relief in his eyes and she stands up straight, focusing her mind like a scalpel and aiming it at the mind of the troll to take control. 1D20=2

One would think, as did Gladiola, that a troll would be an easy beast to manage, mind-control-wise. Unfortunately controlling the large, slow, thick mind of a troll is akin to pushing a huge boulder up a steep incline. With your head. As she reaches out to seize control of the beast with her thoughts and pushes against the brick wall of his psyche it is the last straw for her already over-taxed system. Steve! smiles as he sees her take action, but that smile evaporates as her eyes roll up into the back of her skull and down she goes like a dropped sack of potatoes.

"Balls." he mutters, re-grouping once again. Luck throws him a bone by stymieing the troll briefly as it responds to the feeling of a stranger's hand wrapping around its brain for but a second, and in that second Steve! leaps back into action, pulling his final Hail Mary pass from his hip pocket in the form of his 'trick shot' talisman. He hangs it from the tip of his bow, aims at the heart of the monster as it resumes its unstoppable pursuit, and fires. 1D20=14 Despite the straight shot and the close proximity the arrow still manages to be caught by a gust of wind and sent wildly off course, eventually rebounding off of the shield of the now-dead lieutenant. It flies at the far corner, ricocheting off each wall and back into the air, having lost no momentum. Suddenly a soldier rushes into the room to find out what has become of his lieutenant. He sees the room destroyed, the bones of his fellow soldiers, the body of the Crimson Guard and he draws his immense battle axe from his belt, raising it high and aiming at Steve!'s head! Sadly for him he has stopped directly in the path of the rushing arrow, and as it slams into him with a sick "thud" his axe flies from his hand with all the rage but none of the aim of his intention, and instead of hitting Steve! the axe slides cleanly between the troll's head and shoulders. A large, thick troll head lands in Steve!'s hands, staring at him stupidly, as the rest of the body gradually flops over on to the floor finally, FINALLY dead.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER FIVE!

Chapter Three - Supper Time!

What will you do?

The pair stand in the now empty room, scattered here with minor bits of left-over dust and one silver key. They exchange perplexed glances, and then Steve! crosses and retrieves the key and chain, hanging it around his neck. Gladiola nods in approval, looks around once more and asks "Well, shall we get out of here?"

Walking through the open doorway, the broken door hanging from mangled hinges, the two find a landing leading to a staircase disappearing around a corner. They begin to descend...

Gladiola begins to hear faint whispers coming from below as they go deeper in to the bowels of the manor. As she looks up to see where they come from, she sees nothing before the spiral stairway bends out of view. The whispers grow louder and then a rumbling sound follows. The rumbling becomes a thunder as she sees a large round boulder bounding down the stairs after them.

"Steve!! RRRUUUUUNNNNN!!

The adventurers fly down the stairs and quickly come to their end at a landing. It is a small room with two doors. One open to a hallway, one closed with a small keyhole right in the center.

What will you do?

Steve! bounds to the locked door and jams the silver key into the centrally-located lock. "It won't turn!" he yells to his companion over the ever-growing din of the incoming boulder. "Into the other room! QUICK!" The two leap through the open doorway seconds before the boulder smashes into the door, the stone door jamb barely containing it's momentum. They land ungracefully on their faces and take a moment or two to collect themselves before looking back to behold the boulder, crammed tightly in the open doorway, with dust and stone powder gently descending through the air.

"Are you unharmed?" asks Gladiola, picking herself up and offering a hand to her chum. He politely waves it away and heaves himself to standing, nodding that he is fine. The hallway is dimly lit by a torch near the doorway which has miraculously stayed burning despite the rush of air from the boulder. However the other end of the hallway recedes into black. The two share another "what else are we going to do?" glance before Gladiola removes the torch from its holder and they begin to head towards the end of the hallway.

As it turns out, the hallway is more of a tunnel, going on for some time before coming to an end with another set of doors.

Steve! opens the left door and they both step through to find themselves in a small room. There are two doors. One open to a hallway, one closed with a small keyhole right in the center. As they look behind them, the doorway they stepped through is now gone without a trace. They both start to feel mildly ill.

What will you do?

Again Steve! slides his silver key into the door on the right. He looks back at Gladiola, who gives him a hopeful 'thumbs-up!', then looks back to the door and turns the key.

'click!'

As the key does its job, the door swings slowly, and silently, open. From inside comes a symphony of savory smells. Meats, breads, desserts... Neither Steve! nor Gladiola can remember the last time they had something to eat or drink, so the olfactory attack on their senses makes their heads swim. They step into the room and find tables piled high with the greatest assortment of amazing foods and fabulous ales that either had ever seen! The two of them stand together, taking in the feast, but finally they can resist no longer and dive forward, feeding ravenously on whatever they can put their hands on.

As the two gorge themselves on all manners of delicious things, they begin to hear a conversation approaching. Suddenly, a pair of servants come through the archway that leads to the kitchen. One holds jugs of wine, while the other has a large cake. They seem shocked to find the adventurers feasting and stand for a moment frozen and aghast.

The large male holding the cake speaks up, "Who are you? How did you get in here?"

The female drops a jug of wine and begins to turn to run.

In a blink of an eye, time stops for Steve!. He can't move his eyes, but can see everything frozen in place. As he stands confused, unable to move or speak, he hears the voice of The Wizard in his head.

"Doesn't that man look to be about the same size as you? And that woman, she's about Gladiola's size isn't she?"

Instantly time begins again.

What will you do?

"Oh, good!" pipes up Steve!, "You're here at last! We were thinking we'd been forgotten. Come over to this side, will you?" he asks, gesturing nonchalantly. The servants stop and look from the intruders to each other and back, obviously confused. "Well?" Steve! continues. "What are you waiting for? You ARE the servants sent to get the next courses for the feast, are you not?" The servants nod slowly. "Well alright then, get over here! We've tasted several of the possible items and can verify that there is no poison, and we would recommend the turkey legs, the apple flambé, the greens with gravy..." Steve! continues to wave his hands confidently over various dishes from which he's sampled, and Gladiola, having finally caught on to his gamble, follows his lead. The servants, swayed by the confident nature and bold manner of these strangers, wander to their side of the table to begin gathering the next dishes for serving.

No sooner have the servants come close to our heroes then they are unconscious, naked and shoved under the tables, hidden by the heavy canvas table coverings. Steve! and Gladiola finish adjusting their slave garb but realize there is no place for them to hide their weapons.

"I guess we'd better get the hang of these new powers fast, eh?" mutters Gladiola as she begrudgingly hides her hammer in a cranny by the open doorway. Steve! slides his bow in a crevice above the door. They both grab the sharpest kitchen knives the tables have to offer, as well as a few of the dishes they'd not yet had a chance to disturb, and head down the back hallway from whence the servants had come.

A large entourage begins to turn the corner and make its way toward the dining room. They are a mixture of large humanoid creatures, most clad in armor and with assorted weapons. A few possess crimson robes that cover their forms. Spotted by the group, Steve! and Gladiola make their way back to the dining hall. The group talks amongst each other and Steve! can make out a few of the conversations.

"Did you hear that the ones from the prophecy have come to the Fortress of Ultimate Sorrow(tm)?"

"Yes, but it is of no worry. I heard that Lord Malgamamarsh sent Fionaming after them. They're probably already dead, perhaps even part of the feast."

"But what of the prophecy? Shouldn't we be on our guard?"

"They can't reach us here. They would have to avoid the boulder trap, make it through the enchanted time tunnel, and then have one of the mystical keys. I think that's highly unlikely."

A particularly brutish fellow motions toward Gladiola, "You there! Bring us some more wine slave girl!"

"The Barons should be arriving soon, be on your manners."

Congratulations! You've made it to level 2. Check out your new powers on the M.E.A.T. power sheet

What will you do?

This group enters the dining hall and takes seats at many of the food-laden banquet tables. Gladiola brings one of the wine jugs to those who demanded it, along with a handful of pewter goblets. As she shares the libations, Steve! places the food he's carrying back down on the table, slyly rearranging those dishes that they'd already decimated. He sees a hand peeking out from under the table cloth and kicks it back into hiding. More armor-clad and robed men-things begin to pour into the room, and within a few there is a party atmosphere in full swing. Steve! and Gladiola are kept extremely busy, running from barked demand to barked demand, although they're careful to scarf down more bits of food as they work. (because how could one power the new, excellent level 2 powers w/out fuel, right?)

As Gladiola scurries to another table with a full wine jug she crosses in front of the dining hall door and nearly barrels into 5 powerful figures just entering the room. She maintains her disguise, apologizing profusely with head bowed and rushes to her waiting customer, but as she looks behind her she sees that these new guests are very different from those already seated. Sure enough, at a sharp call from the last to enter the entire room falls silent and every seated man leaps to attention at table side. Once they are given their due, the men enter and take over completely the head table which has been left empty thus far. These new figures exude both power and danger, and they seem to be able to see all in the room at once. Steve! and Gladiola hope that their roles of servants will make them as invisible to these newcomers as they have been to all the others. Finally the imposing group takes their seat, and in response the Master of the Guard yells a new command and the rest of the room seats themselves as well.

One of the smaller underlings who is particularly ugly whispers to his neighbor, "The Barons seem most displeased this evening. Perhaps their panties are fitting too tightly, tee hee hee!"

One of the Barons turns his head from his meal toward the inconsiderate knave. He rises from his seat and points his open hand toward him. He then clenches it slowly as if some unseen object was grasped within it. The giggling whelp begins to clutch his head and wince in pain. He stands and begins to shriek as his skull collapses. His lifeless corpse falls to the floor and the Baron retakes his seat. It would seem that rudeness will not be tolerated. Gladiola catches sight of a green octagonal gem glimmering in the candlelight as it pokes out of a pouch around the now dead diners neck. A quick survey of the room shows similar pouches around the necks of all the seated warriors.

"Clean up that mess." the Master of the Guard booms.

What will you do?

Gladiola rushes to the sloppy, gooey mess that was once Mr. Clever-bottoms, grabbing his ankles and dragging him down the hallway toward the kitchens, leaving a red streak in her wake. Once she reaches the kitchens, seeing no obvious place to leave such a site, she shoves the body into one of the over-large sink troughs, but is careful to remove the pouch with the gem before dropping his top half. She removes the green gem and examines it closely. Nearly the size of a plum, the gem is fairly flat and faceted-cut. The front reflects light brilliantly, but she notices that there are words carved all down the gems flat back. The words are in a language she's never seen before.

She knows that the pouch will arouse suspicion if she hangs it around her barren, slave girl neck. Instead she slips the pouch with gem inside into her armor undergarments, the stiff protection of which hides beneath the servant gown. She grabs 2-3 damp rags from the non-soiled sink and begins to wipe up the blood and gore that has followed her down the hallway, until at last she has returned to the banquet hall. The overall merriment of the room has increased, with a few of the larger, more decorated soldier-types entertaining their men with tricks such as balancing a sword on their armored head or setting their hand on fire.

As she enters the room, she sees Steve! grab a goblet of ale and a torch. She moves toward him, worried that his bold moves will anger the room, but before she can reach him a fountain of fire bursts forth from his mouth! The room falls silent for a moment, and Steve! takes this opportunity to repeat the trick, holding the fountain a few seconds longer this time. He stands, his mouth now empty of wine, and scans the room for reaction.

At last, one of the Barons begins a slow but sincere clap. The rest of the room follows his lead and within a moment the room has erupted into applause and cheers for more. Steve! daintily curtsies and turns to Gladiola, giving a wink. He then drops three round fruits into a bowl, dousing them with cooking wine and setting them ablaze as well. Guarding his hands ever so slightly with a fine layer of his own fireball flames, to protect the palms from scorching, Steve! takes the fruit one by one and juggles them jauntily to the giddy enjoyment of the crowd.

One of the Barons begins to laugh heartily, "Ha ha, these servants amuse me! I can't wait to rape and kill them!"

"You are right Istholden, these ones do look especially ripe for a good raping."

Just then a large raven comes flying in to the room and lands on one of the Baron's shoulder. It leans its head towards his ear and appears to be speaking. It then flies away in the same direction it came from.

"The prisoners have escaped! Quickly return to the barracks and ready yourselves!" The Barons rise and stomp out of the dining hall. The others follow hastily, dropping their food and goblets where they may. All except a few stragglers who remain behind.

"This feast isn't over till I've had me a servant." one of the brutes chimes in eyeballing Gladiola. They quickly descend on her and begin to rip at her clothing. Her magical armor revealed, they leap back.

"You! It cannot be!"

They draw swords from their backs and make ready to battle the adventurers.

What will you do?

With all of their focus on Gladiola and her true nature, the guards have briefly lost focus on Steve!. Using that to his advantage, he silently slides his bow from its hiding spot above the doorway toward the kitchen. "Good sirs!" he calls, lining up his magical arrow and channeling his inner frenzy. "I would say that is NO WAY to treat a lady! Let alone a warrior!!" As the soldiers turn their focus back to him he lets loose a Hail of Arrows splashing down on their heads. 1D20=5. (sad clown noise here.) Steve! miscalculates his shot and the arrow splits right before impacting the ceiling. Most of the arrows stick with a chorus of thwaps. Not effective, but distracting.

Steve!'s attack also gives Gladiola the opportunity to leap back to her feet and, shedding the last of the slave girl garb, she steals back her hammer from its hidey hole. "You will very much regret your poor manners." she growls, waiting for the final arrows to land before leaping in to deliver her own form of education. She swings her hammer in a whirlwind over her head, creating a cyclone of air, and leaps into the crowd of soldiers who still stare at the sky looking for more missiles. As she makes contact with the crowd she roars angrily "DEATH STORM!!!" and lets the hammer have its OWN way with the soldiers. 1D20=10 (come on, give me dice to support the epic build-up!) The ruffians are caught up in the whirlwind and tossed to and fro. As they spin, Gladiola's hammer connects again and again. As the storm subsides, the foes are strewn about the hall. They appear to be injured, but not finished.

What will you do?

"Looks like you've injured some," hollers Steve!, scooting across the floor to a better vantage point, "but they’re not finished! Let's try a little of THIS!" and with his final word Steve! spins up an orb of flames in both hands, hurling it toward the piles of bodies starting to get back on their feet. 1D20=7

Seeing that the fireball was not all Steve! was hoping for, Gladiola adds to his blaze, targeting the front edge of soldiers and calling down the wrath of her one true God to smite them flamishly. "Burn, you infidels!" she snarls as the power leaps from her to them. "See what my gods think of men who would defile a lady!" 1D20=15

Steve!'s magical fire splatters across the fallen foes burning away at their armor. They leap to their feet and begin to attempt to extinguish the flames. Just as they seem to be gaining control of the fire, a wall of holy flames erupt from the floor. Their flesh begins to melt away as they scream in agony. The blaze subsides, leaving only bones and the remains of scorched armor.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER FOUR!

Chapter Two - Fury of Fionaming

"This cannot be!" the cloaked figure cries out. Steve! notices one of the guards with one arrow stuck in his thigh and another through his shoulder begin to move. "Arise pathetic underlings and do my bidding!" A crimson fog pours out from the cloaked figures hands and cascades over the floor of the great hall. The fog subsides, and the soldiers begin to rise. Their eyes are sunken and hollow. They pick up their weapons and start to attack again. Their movements appear slower and less coordinated then when they first attacked.

What will you do?

Recognizing the stench of the undead filling the room Gladiola steps back from the crowd of shuffling mass to join Steve!. "This does not bode well, my friend" she mutters, wringing her hands around her hammer.

"Me thinks this is a time better suited to your new cleric powers than your warrior powers, chum of mine." he responds. "Anything clerical you could march out to display?" Gladiola runs through the internal inventory, searching for something that feels religious and holy in nature.

"Perhaps a Pleasing Mist..." she purrs, her hand raising to symbolically bar the zombies path. As she does, a silver mist begins to mix with the crimson fog on the floor, a gaseous battle of wills. 1D20=10 The silver mist flows out over the newly undead doom doom di da duh doom doom doom doom..wait do you hear that...anyways, the sliver mist...in a gadda da vida honey...I SAID, the silver mist envelops the undead who seem to lose all interest in fighting. Instead they seem to wander aimlessly about. A group of three in the corner have taken up a game of hacky sack while the rest seem to just be generally...pleased.

"allow me to lend aid." Steve! raises his own hand, grabbing hold of the bright charge of energy now living deep in his chest and releasing it in brilliant blue arcs shooting from his fingertips out toward the undead mass. 1D20=4 (gulp - please don't shock his nether-regions!) The lighting emitting from Steve!'s hands seems to sputter out before reaching the zombies. His hands surge periodically and give him small jolts like from sticking your finger in a light socket. Try as he might, he can't seem to make the painful bursts stop.

The cloaked figure throws back her hood "ENOUGH!" She is haggard and scarred and with really bad posture. Opening the palms of her hands top the sky, they begin to glow with purple fire.

What will you do?

Thinking quickly, Steve! raises his bow and sends another hail of arrows shooting at the crone, aiming specifically for her thin, frail wrists in an effort to remove her of those weighty hands of doom. 1D20=18 Simultaneously Gladiola rushes low at her, gunning for the mid-section and shouting "Death Storm!" as her hammer spins at the end of her wrist! 1D20=2, so apparently she didn't tie her shoes or something... Steve!'s Hail of Arrows is truly spectacular as he lets fly with thirteen arrows, which all split becoming a rainstorm of pointy mayhem. The cloaked figure is pierced like a pincushion over and over. Still, she does not falter as the glow from her palms grows. Gladiola's hammer flies from her hand and clunks around on the floor before spinning under a large table. She also falls and skins her knee.

Droplets of purple light fall from the hags hands causing small holes to burn into the floor around her. She begins laughing maniacally. "Ha hahaha hah! Did you think your pathetic sticks could harm the likes of me?" She turns her left hand over and the purple light falls to the ground like liquid searing a hole quickly through it. 23 seconds later, a human shaped form of earth and purple fire emerges from the hole. It begins to lumber towards the adventurers.

What will you do?

No time for embarrassment now, Gladiola dusts off her skinned knee and leaps back to her feet. She knows that this woman is a more substantial menace than any they've faced thus far, and as such this new monster should be regarded with equal trepidation. "Steve!, I think we should combine forces on this beastie!" she calls, summoning the power to inspire the attack of THUNDER HAMMER. "When I throw my hammer, you should charge it with your Electro Bolt and we will send this menace back to the hell from which she raised it!" Gladiola hurls her hammer, fueled with the awesome might of Thunder, towards the purple and dirt monster. 1D20=18 As it leaves her hands blue streaks of lightening erupts from Steve!'s fingers, striking the hammer and shooting it forward with a vibrant blue glow! 1D20=15 The towering mass is struck with the full force of Thunder and Lightening!!_tm (Take that, yo!) The abomination explodes with the violent force of the combined storm furies sending pieces of glowing earth throughout the room There is a great BOOM and flash of light as all remnants of its existence vaporize. Just then Harrish runs into the room still screaming from the blazing fire engulfing his body. The wretched witch dumps the other handful of purple light upon his burning body and he is transformed in a large burning warrior of flame. A giant flaming sword appears in his hand and he leaps toward Steve!.

What will you do?

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE???" screams Steve!, preparing to fire another volley of arrows at the burning form. Gladiola steps to his side, drawing down the bow as she lets loose another fog of Pleasing Mist.

"This may be a time to fight fire with a DIFFERENT kind of fire." she whispers. 1D20=11

Steve!'s arrows burn to a cinder one by one as they enter the burning hulk. As the Pleasing Mist wraps around the warrior, the flames subside...doom doom di da duh doom doom doom doom...what is that...are you hearing that?...in a gadda da vida honey...the giant sits down and crosses his legs before falling backwards. Lying on his back, he starts to make dead body angels and hum.

"Now you will face all of my power fools!" The cloaked woman...decloaks...and rushes toward the adventurers. He fingers grow to become talons over a foot long which she uses to slash away at Gladiola. One hand strikes her leaving four gashes across her side.

What will you do?

"Dude! Seriously not cool!" yells Gladiola, clutching at her gashed side. She allows the saber-nailed witch to complete the rush past her and whirls to follow behind, hammer raised over her head once again. "Let's see if this will work this time..." she grumbles as she swings her mighty hammer before her, crying in full force "Death STOOORM!!!" 1D20=5 (ok, so that power is just broken and I want a new one that doesn't always result in her falling on her mighty face... mutter, mutter... stupid dice roller... punches the wall...) The pain of her wounds causes he to shift her balance to that side throwing off her attack. A whirling barrage of blows...goes right by the she witch not even connecting a little bit. Gladiola finds it hard to stop her momentum and crashes into table.

Steve! sees the horrible old visage rushing past Gladiola, having done initial damage there, and head on toward him. He searches his new powers for anything he hasn't yet used, and finds a small talisman in his pocket that reads simply 'trick shot'. "Here goes nothin'." he says as he hangs the talisman from the top corner of his mystical bow, aims carefully at the crone's disfigured, agonized face and fires... 1D20=12 A single arrow glances off a parlor mirror reflecting upward to cut the chain of the heavy chandelier looming above the hideous beast. It then catches the edge of a clock on the opposite wall, spins, and continues on. It then strikes a flask of brandy perched on a dining table sending its contents spraying on the she witch. The chandelier falls directly on her head where the lit candles on it set the brandy soaked creature ablaze. Screaming and writhing she reaches out towards her dropped cloak. As if hearing her call, it rises and dashes toward her. It wraps itself around her, dousing the flames and completely concealing her. Her cloaked form lies kneeling on the floor.

What will you do?

"Enough of this." Steve! stands over the cloaked witch, smoke still rising from her body. "This battle could go on forever, and we don't even know who we are battling or why. I think it is time we had a chat with he who started us on this new, epic path." Steve! raises his hands above his head and cries to the heavens "Behold Wizard -- we require you!" 1D20=2

Sensing that her companion's new power may not be enough to call forth the wizard, Gladiola also raises her hands to the skies and repeats the call skyward. "Behold Wizard -- we require you!" 1D20=11. Finally the two combine their forces and call together: "Return to us, Oh Wizard!!!" 1D20=17

"WWWWWizard!" An incredible laser light show and explosions appear. Bursting through the smoke comes...The Wizard! Hearing the famous cry of The Wizard the cloaked she-witch rises.
"No...not The Wizard! Forgive me O great one! I did not know these were your disciples!"
"And I didn't know that you were such a huge crapweasel!
"Your the crapweasel."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing...you cannot have them they must die!"
She leaps towards The Wizard, her claws spread. The Wizard spins and strikes her strongly with his staff. "Most Excellent Strike!" Shockwaves ripple through her body and she is sent flying through the room. She quickly rebounds and sends a bolt of energy towards The Wizard. He dodges the blast and leaps high into the air. Coming down on top of the she witch, he extends his staff. "Atomic Wedgie!" The staff grabs hold of her underpants and with a flick of his wrist, pulls them up into the heavens.
"AAAAhhhhoooooHHHH!!!"
The Wizard extends his palm to connect with the she witches forehead. "Most Excellent Mind Melt!" Her body goes limp and falls to the floor. Gelatinous ooze pours from her ear canal. The Wizard stands astride her lifeless corpse. One of the especially pleased zombies sitting in the corner pondering a flower can be heard to remark "Excellent!"
What will you do?

Steve! and Gladiola stand, beholding the impressive display of carnage at their feet. Given what this Wizard can do, it seems clear challenging him would be suicide and confusing to ask what need he would have of the two of them. They exchange glances of trepidation, and Steve! speaks. "Uuummm... now what?" to which Gladiola "Boss."

"You have shown promise, and have adapted to your new skills quickly. But you still have much to learn before you can fulfill your destiny." The Wizard spins his staff in a circle around the repulsive she witch's corpse and it disappears into dust. Where it once lay, there remains only a silver key on a thin chain. "There are many obstacles still in your path and your journey shall be filled with danger." Waving his hand across the room, the very pleased zombies turn to dust and are blown away by a forceful wind. "If you remember to always be cool and excellent, all shall go as it was foretold to be. Behold!" He motions towards the large windows on the opposite wall. As Gladiola and Steve! look for the nature of the omen...they see nothing. Absolutely nothing. No burning bush. No solar eclipse. Nada. They turn around confused and The Wizard is gone. No trace of his presence remains.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER THREE!

Chapter One - The Epic Begins.

Steve! and Gladiola reach around on the floor and walls of this very dark room for a torch, lighter, one of those wind-up (and not yet invented) flashlights. Steve! finds a sunrune on the ground. Rubbing it between his fingers it starts to glow. Dimly at first, but then enough to see around them. There are in a large room. Broken glassware and what looks like sleeping bodies lie throughout the hall. The light from the sunrune hits a large blue orb sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the room and a faint glow comes from within it. What do you do?

Steve! and Gladiola both stand. Using the sunrune for light they creep silently towards the large blue orb and, once arriving at its side, they examine it closely. Maybe they even touch it, except that I don't want them to blow up or get a terrible fungus or something, so if they would die from touching it they don't touch it. But if they can touch it they totally do.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a strange wizard appears. "Stop! Don't not touch the mystical orb!" He pulls his cloak over the blue orb and the glowing ceases. "Do you think you are ready to embrace the power that lies within the orb?" Well...do you?

"Wizard, we ARE ready to embrace the orb's power. Bestow it upon us now!" Bellows Steve!, laying his hand on his hip so as to look as impressive as possible, being unarmed as they both are.

"So be it foolish travelers! Turn the dial and place your hand upon the orb." Below the orb is a small dial, and around it are four different icons which you recognize as warrior, cleric, ranger, and sorcerer. Check out the cool first level powers sheet available to the left of this page. What will you do?

Gladiola approaches the orb, turning the dial below the blue glow to rest on "warrior". She then places both of her hands upon the orb, surprised to find it ice cold to the touch.

"Aaahh! The brave warrior, interesting choice. You will often find the that there is a difference between the right choice and the most excellent choice." The wizard turns the dial half way between the warrior and cleric icons and holds Gladiola's hands to the orb. There is a flash of light and odd muffled sound of a wet sandwich hitting a chalkboard. Gladiola is transformed into a holy warrior cleric possessing all the powers of both. "Your turn Steve!" The wizard turns the knob 180 degrees and hold both of Steve!'s hands to the orb. After about 30 seconds of nothing happening, the wizard kicks the pedestal. After about another 30 seconds he turns the dial all the way around and kicks the pedestal again. Steve! is bathed in a warm, bright light and transformed into an arcane ranger sorcerer possessing all the powers of both. After a few incoherent incantations from the wizard, a large hammer, shield and armor appear before Gladiola. At Steve!'s feet appear a cloak, unstrung bow, and amulet. "Remember foolish travelers, always do what is cool and excellent, and cool and excellent things will be done unto you." The form of the wizard turns into dust and is gone. Just then the blue orb releases a blinding flash of light and Gladiola and Steve! are sent reeling into a flashback...

You were both invited to a big party at the "Fortress of Ultimate Sorrow"tm by Lord Malgamamarsh. Once there, you discovered that your host was not so gracious after all. You overheard one of his servants talking about the ones from the prophecy and pointing at you. Soon after there was a mighty bloodbath of carnage and mayhem leaving everyone in the grand hall dead. Or so they thought.

Slipping back into the present, Gladiola and Steve! hear pounding on a large door and gruff voices. What will you do?

Gladiola, now fueled with the battle passion of a fighter and the divine light of a cleric, points to the wall opposite from the door. "Steve!," she commands, "you take a safe distance and see if you can string the bow, not to mention find any kind of arrows around here. there is no time to put on my new, shiny (SHINY) armor, but I will answer the door and hope that if I find enemies I will have the might and the mastery to crush them into a fine, speckledy powder!"

Steve! collects his ranger wizard gear and jogs to the far wall, finding himself mystically trained in the art of well stringing his new bow. There is no bow string. Steve!'s excellent wizard knowledge tells him that this is Magical Bow of Mysticalness which needs no string or arrows. Simply grab where the string should be and a knocked arrow will appear. Oooh, Shiny! Thanks M.E.A.T Master! Meanwhile, Gladiola plasters her back to the wall beside the door. Once she is sure that Steve! is a safe distance away she places a single hand flat on the door and, in her boldest voice, calls through the thick wood. "Whooisit??" she barks.

"Open the door!" the gruff voice calls back banging even harder this time. In the background you can hear what sounds like the voice of an old woman, soft and frail.
"I ...ought they were suppo... be..ll..dead. ...hat ..reachery is th..."
"They were, I swear it."
Before you can act, the door blasts open with a mighty whoosh! Gladiola is blown backwards. Tumbling on the ground, the new found armor seems to attach itself as she rolls over the pieces one by one. In the now open doorway stands two large human guards. They are wearing leather armor with a large M burned into the chest piece. You can barely make out a cloaked figure behind them.
What will you do?

Gladiola lies on the floor, staring up at the guards. She keeps her eyes locked on them while simultaneously feeling frantically around her on the floor for her hammer. As the first begins to move forward an arrow flies over her, headed straight for the M on the guard's chest. She peers behind her to see Steve! loading another arrow to his bow, and Gladiola uses his attack as the distraction to allow her to reach across the floor, grab her hammer and scramble to her feet. She whirls to face her opponents as Steve! steps forward, bow at the ready, preparing to fire a second arrow.

"Who are you?" demands Gladiola, hammer positioned to strike, "and what do you want with me, and with Steve!?"

"We want you..." the cloaked figure speaks up, "to DIE!!!"

The guards come rushing into the room pulling swords from their backs.

Combat Begins! Attack results are determined by the roll of a 20-sided die (1D20=) Turn order: Gladiola, Steve!, Guards. What will you do?

As the guards rush forth Gladiola swings her hammer over her right shoulder like a baseball bat, crashing it forward and into the big, barrel, M-marked chest of the first guard with all of her might. 1D20=8 At the same moment, Steve! back-peddles toward the back wall while knocking another of his super-cool mystic arrows to his super-cool mystic bow. He lets loose the implied string, aiming the projectile at the face of the second guard rushing by his partner. 1D20=6 - yeowch! Gladiola's greenness as a warrior cleric shows as the guard dips under the blow. It crashes against his shoulder doing some damage, but not enough to stop him. Steve! is wary of the magical bow and is still new to it's ways. The mystic arrow misses the target and breaks a lovely vase holding a large bouquet. The guard does not seem pleased.

The guards engage the warriors. You can see up close that their name tags read Glen and Harrish. Glen swings his sword at Gladiola, but she feels her body moving with the new imbued instinct of a fine warrior cleric, and dodges the attack. Harrish is on the other side of the room and begins to charge at Steve!

What will you do?

Gladiola, angered by feeling so strong with the powers yet not able to use them expertly, whirls around Glen and his flying sword. "I will find the way to CRUSH you, Glen!" she growls, tapping into these new powers to find one that will allow her to make good on her threat. She takes her hammer once again in both hands, funnels her angry energy from deep in her dragony core and swings it in a circle around her body once before letting it loose with the fire of THUNDER HAMMER! 1D20=5 (seriously? more like pussy hammer! sigh.) Gladiola feels the words coming out of her mouth, but they are with an awkward faltering. Like a 15 year old band geek being given a night with a swimsuit model. Her hammer begins to quake and rumble...and then...nothing. It falls lifeless to the floor with a resounding thud. All powers will hit on better than a five, but not a five or lower, I mean...come on.

Steve!, a much more introspective and thoughtful soul, steps back quickly to evade Harrish's attack. Realizing that this bow will take at least a little time to become comfortable, he also taps into his core of new-found powers, grabbing hold of a spark he finds there and rolling it forward until it appears as a fiery ball floating in his hand. Seconds before Harrish's attack is to contact Steve! hurls the FIREBALL in his direction with gusto! 1D20 (+100 for typing w/ fingers crossed)=11 (better, but still fmeh) The fireball strikes the ground underneath Harrish and bursts into a roaring blaze. Harrish is instantly consumed in it and set alight. His burning body begins to scream and wail as he runs out the door and down the hall.

Glen seeing his friend set ablaze, turns for the door and begins to run...but then he turns around and attacks Gladiola again. This time his sword strikes her shield firmly and makes a pleasant clang sound.

What will you do?

"Clang me, will you???" demands Gladiola with the tone of a famous warrior, despite her futile attacks thus far. "I will SHOW you CLANG, impudent whelp!!" Reaching again into her internal bag of tricks (dirty!) she also touches on a spark of promise and, rather than reaching down to retrieve her hammer she allows the heat to build behind her eyes. Moments later the flames erupt from her eyes as she calls forth, as if from nowhere, a cleric's curse of the infidel. "Let the purity and light of my new lord Clarabell clean you from the face of this good earth!!!" 1D20=17 (now that's what I"m talkin' bout!) Glen drops his sword and starts to scratch at his skin. His face winces in pain as his body contorts. Then small tears in his flesh become visible and flames begin to erupt forth. Glowing hands appear from nowhere and rip Glen apart. Nothing remains but small pieces, still hot with holy fire.

"You didn't really think it would be that easy did you?" the cloaked figure speaks. "DESTROY THEM!!" Ten more guards rush into the room, the hunger for destruction in their eyes. In the distance you can still hear the cries of Harrish. "When will this burning stop! Aaaaaahhh!"

What will you do?

In a single, swift movement belying her inexperience in battle Gladiola drops to the floor, grabbing up her hammer and rolling back to her feet. The shocking success of her attack on Glen has invigorated her and she lunges forward into the charging guards, roaring and flailing her hammer left and right into them, channeling her Death Storm power as she goes! 1D20=15 You have to actually say "Death Storm" to use the power. I don't know why, these are just the rules. Gladiola's hammer begins to blur as she swings it back and forth, dealing out righteous punishment as she goes. Cracked bones and shattered skulls fall in a wake behind her.

As his chum disappears into the crowd of enemies Steve worries that she's in over her head and searches his new-found abilities for how best to lend her appropriate aid. As if by magic the words "Hail of Arrows" fills his head, and as he readies his mystical bow and never-ending arrows, aiming for the crowd, he calls to Gladiola "Rain's a-comin', Gladiola -- better get your umbrella!!" Like a well-practiced tactic she instinctively raises her shield over her head, continuing to storm at the group's bodies under it's protection. 1D20=7 (dang) Steve fires two arrows from the bow, never having to stop to reload, and sends them arcing over the crowd. Both of them split into many before turning to rain down upon the helpless foes. Many are skewered by the shower of piercing death as Gladiola's shield protects her from the storm. When the last one hits the floor she looks up to see no movement but her own.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER TWO!

M.E.A.T. -- An Introduction

On February 26th, 2009 Ghostclown, the Master of M.E.A.T., got tired of waiting for his turn on an epic, albeit slow-moving, D&D game and took matters into his own hands. And from those hands came M.E.A.T. (wait. That sounds bad. Ignore that. Imagine I said something way more epic and way less gross.)

M.E.A.T. is a collaborative, written improv experiment. Co-written by Femtastic and Ghostclown the M.E.A.T. Master, the following weekly chapters are as they flowed from our fingers with just about no cleaning up. (we fix typos. Because seriously, who doesn't fix typos, right? And spelling? We fix spelling. But practically no cleaning up at all.) We hope you enjoy! (but even if you don't we'll keep doing it. It's pretty much just for our crazy, goofy enjoyment. So if one of you likes it, that's just gravy. Epic, M.E.A.T.-y Gravy.)...

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You will find this similar to D&D only more excellent and with shorter delay times between actions. {for you readers there will be NO delay times between actions. You're welcome} One writer is controlling a pair of adventurers. Please designate their names, genders, and races.

Adventurer #1: Steve! (exclamation point is included please), male half-elf (with 1/4 irish)

Adventurer #2: Gladiola Dangersword the 2nd, female dragonborne

Rulings and other direction from Ghostclown the M.E.A.T. Master will always be red, italic and underlined. Responses and other comments from Femtastic are blue and italic.

Currently they are both level zero. They have no skills. They are nothing. They have no items. There is nothing special about them. (there is always something special about Steve!.) No, there is nothing special about Steve!.

Steve! and Gladiola awaken to find themselves in a very dark room. Neither can see much farther than the hand in front of their face. What would you like to do?

CONTINUED FRIDAY IN CHAPTER ONE