Chapter Eight - Sex, Drugs, No Rock and Roll

"Did someone call for the WWWWizard!?"

Smoke seems to surround the adventurers, appearing from nowhere. Strobes of flashing lights in all the colors of the rainbow explode all around them. Gladiola and the scientist leap back as the floor beneath them suddenly opens. oom she oom she oom she Slowly rising from the hole in the floor dee dee dah dah dah dee dee dah dah is the instantly recognized... is that techno music?... anyways, it's The Wizard aaahh aha aha de dee dee dee. Steve! and Gladiola suddenly feel their arms and legs begin to move about as is pulled by strings from some diabolical puppeteer. Gyrating and bouncing they move around the wizard oom she oom she oom she. The Wizard raises his arms and the screams and applause of thousands are heard from the surrounding darkness, even though not a soul can be seen. He then drops them to his sides and all that appeared is gone. There is only The Wizard.

"I see you have met Drelftox. Did he show you the orange potion yet?"

"Oh great The Wizard, please tell these chosen ones that I mean them no harm."

"Do you?"

"...Do I what?"

" Mean them no harm.

"No."

"No you don't mean them no harm, or no you don't mean them harm?"

"Wait.. what?... the second one I think…"

"This is Drelftox, an alchemist and studier of the arcane. He has seen the prophecy and will seek to see it fulfilled. I will grant him some of my power to aid you on your quest."

The Wizard's outstretched hand glows with red and yellow light. Actually, it’s more of a burgundy or mauve perhaps, and the yellow has some tinges of white. Definitely more of a flat yellow than a gloss. If you look at it from the side, you can almost see them forming this kind of burnt orange. The light leaps out and encircles Drelftox, before quickly collapsing into his body. Drelftox is visibly surged with power.

"Whooooaa! That was totally awesome!"

Gladiola spins to see one of the zombie soldiers, still under the influence of the pleasing mist behind them. As she spins back, The Wizard is gone.

What will you do?

"...alrighty, little man. You have our trust. FOR NOW." Gladiola brings her face in close to his, aware once more about the distinct difference in size between them. "But I'll be watching you, and if you step out of line for even a SECOND I will grind you into a smelly little powder. Are we clear?" The scientist is completely unphased by the threat, pushing past her towards the exit from the coliseum once more.

"As I said before, there is much to do!" The threesome climbs the stairs between rows of seats and eventually emerge through a heavy wooden door into yet ANOTHER pathway in the fortress. Drelftox, having lived in the fortress since first he was captured by Malgamamarsh's men, knows the pathways and hallways intimately, but in no time at all our heroes are hopelessly lost. It's quite a surprise when they go through yet another door and find themselves in his laboratory once again. "Aah, home at last." Drelftox mutters sarcastically as he starts to shuffle through the pile of parchments on his large table. And shuffle. And still more shuffling. Shuffling, shuffling, shuffling... shuffling... "Here!" he yells, and produces a large map of one level of the fortress. "We are here," he circles a room in the bottom-right corner of the map, "and you need to find the bed-quarters of the Barons, which is somewhere in the "forbidden to be visited by any creepy little science-freaks!" area, which is here" and he circles the upper-left quarter of the map. This area is less map-like, and more... blank.

"I haven't seen this area personally, but I know the following three dangers are to be avoided in there: 1) trap-doors hidden in various rooms that fall to various dangerous dangers, 2) suites used as housing for each of the 6 barons, as well as the lavish palace rooms of the Lord himself and 3) the harem quarters enjoyed by all the barons. That is, by far, the most dangerous of all the threats, my friends."

"Steve!, could I talk to you for a moment over here?" Gladiola glares at Drelftox as she and her partner step to the side for a private chat. "Seriously, I do NOT trust this geeky little turd, do you?"

"I'll concede that he's a strange one, but he has knowledge, which we lack, and information, which we need. We know we can crush him like a bug if we need to, and when has The Wizard ever steered us the wrong way? I say we follow his lead, at least for now." Gladiola nods her head in unenthusiastic agreement, and the two of them review the map once more before heading out toward the mysterious northwestern quadrant of the fortress. They decide to stay to the shadows, using smaller or rarely patrolled routes, hoping to keep the bloodshed to a minimum. (not a complete LACK of bloodshed, of course. Just less is all.)

"Don't forget this! You'll need it to get through the wards." Dreltox throws Steve! a crimson octagonal gem that seems to glimmer just a little more than it should. "Be careful with it, or you may find yourself hopelessly trapped. Here...take some of these too." He gives Gladiola a vial of orange liquid that seems to have tiny red beads suspended in it. To Steve! he hands a brass disc that appears to be some sort of compass, although not like any they have seen before. To both he hands another flask of the strange purple liquid. "Now be off with you! I'll try to help from here if I can"

"Aren't you coming with us? The Wizard said he gave you powers to help us."

"Ah yes...well I think he meant that in more of a metaphorical sense...you know, like in spirit or such. Less in a surrounded by nasty beasts and covered in blood kind of way."

What will you do?

...our heroes have been sneaking down hallways, pathways and walkways for over 3 hours. Well, originally they were sneaking. When first they left Drelftox's lab they were heavy with the sneaky-sneaky, slinking tricksy down each new route and watching behind and ahead for any sign of impending discovery and oh so careful that you would think they were hauling unstable nitroglycerin. But this level of sneakiness is, frankly, exhausting and can only be maintained for so long. Especially when, hall after hall, they met nobody. Not another soul seemed to be about. At first they counted their lucky stars and attributed it to their well-planned route. But now they begin to wonder if everyone decided to just give up and maybe the joint is abandoned! So at this point we find the heroes strolling, even tromping, down the latest chunk of floor, oblivious to any sense of care.

"Is it smaller than a Carpacian hen?" Gladiola asks.

"no." Steve! replies.

"Is it smaller than a Vrendi dog?"

"no."

"Is it smaller than a trunskall pony?"

"...y-e-e-essss? I think. I'm not sure, so it's either yes or it's the same size." they walk in silence to the next corner, where Steve! peeks around and verifies that this is yet another totally empty hall. As they turn the corner and continue on Gladiola resumes the game, thinking for several minutes.

"Is it Drelftox?" she finally asks. Steve! grins widely and they both burst out laughing. So huge is their laughter that they wander around the next bend without checking first and run smack dab into a crowd of 7 beautiful, extremely scantily clad women. The two groups stand for moments, both shocked at the unexpected collision. As the first woman begins to open her mouth, presumably to scream, Steve! leaps forward and slap his palm over her mouth, wrapping his arm around her waist for leverage. With his touch of the woman the rest of the group gasps LOUDLY, their eyes bugged out in shock. One exclaims in horror!

"He has touched the Sec'-ah-'tet! He has defiled her being with his male touch! HE MUST BE PUNISHED!"

"Steve!, I think we need to get out of here before these crazy wenches call for guards to lop off your head!" hisses Gladiola, her hand reaching across to hold the handle to her hammer in readiness.

"We need no guards to do what must be done." growls another of the women, and suddenly two of them grab each of Gladiola's arms, slamming her hard against the wall. She is amazed to find that they are more than capable of pinning her there! "The master has made sure we can protect ourselves." says one guard at Gladiola's confusion. "It is a consecrated strength for which you are no match."

The four remaining women form a square around Steve!, drawing slim daggers from their hips that are roughly 3 inches long but RAZOR sharp. In a visceral response Steve! feels his manhood shrink, crawling back into the relative safety of his insides.

"Now that we have you right where we want you, Steve! was it? We'll show you why no one dares to intrude into the quarters of the great Malgamamarsh's women! Let's start by...talking about our feelings!"

"NOOO!!! Wait what...did you just say talk about our feelings? Not gouge out my eyes or cut off my fingers?"

"I just don't think you appreciate us anymore Steve!, and why can't you be more romantic?

"Well I try to be romantic when I can, I've just been really busy lately..."

"Which of these drapes do you like best Steve!?"

"I don't know, which one do you like best?"

"Steve! will you hold my purse while I go try this on?"

"Oh come on, I don't want to be that guy. Don't make me do that, please."

"Steve! does this harem girl outfit make me look fat?"

"Please stop...Oh sweet gods, Drelftox was right...we should have never come here!" Steve! collapses to his knees sobbing.

Gladiola strains against the overpowering wenches, "You monsters, leave him alone!"

Of course the joke is truly on the overconfident siren swarm, as they don't realize that Steve! was raised by his mother, grandmother and six, count 'em SIX, sisters. As such he has steeled himself against these classic female attacks. (of course he's also not seen any action for something like 5 years, but that's a different conversation and not the point anyway. Shut up. he's just in a slump. He can totally pull out of it.) Steve! oozes into a puddle on the floor, his sobbing becoming more emotional and heartfelt, but as he reaches across the stones he silently conjures, pulling from deep in the earth his obedient mass of killer vines (now hopefully with even more obedience!). 1D20=7 The smooth marble floor cracks and shudders as sprouts of green begin to emerge. The harlots dodge and weave, but are no much for the agility of the possessed plants. One by one the vines grab at them, raising them above the ground and encircling their bodies. Their sharp daggers cut and dice the wicked flora, but to no avail, as two vines appear for every one cut through.

Gladiola takes advantage of the chaos, feeling the wenches' strength flag as they are distracted, and she brings her arms crashing together in front of her, crashing the wenches into each other at the same time. Remembering the map in her head she concentrates on the best route of escape and, pulling Steve! free of a few vines that seek to hold him close, she charges through the quarters to the door on the opposite side. She's sure to slam the door behind her, keeping the vines on the OTHER side. As they hear the screams and slaps through the door she looks at Steve!. "Dude, you REALLY need to figure out how to control those things!"

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER NINE! (this time for sure!)