Most Excellent Adventure Time!

Chapter Twelve -- School's In Session

2009-06-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

For the first few hallways our heroes are amazed at how benign are the paths that lead to such a hall of horrors. Turning the first corner the sounds of agony were no longer audible and by now they can't even smell the burning flesh anymore. The mystical 'compass' leads them cryptically, but as there is only one way to go they don't worry too much about options. They walk on and on, but at last they reach a fork in the hallway. Checking the 'compass' they are given the option of yellow with three triangles or purple with a yellow bulls eye. Remembering that 'yellow with three triangles' lead them previously to the room of treasure, they opt for the way not yet known.

Fork after fork in the way and they follow the purple with yellow bulls eye each time. Once again they've walked many leagues by the time they reach another door. Inside they hear a single voice calling out in what could be surprise or pain, followed by silence and then another cry. Finally Gladiola can take the mystery no longer and opens the door. A shuriken whizzes past her nose, just barely missing and instead imbedding itself in the open door with a loud 'thud!' Instinctively she puts hand to pommel, prepared to draw her hammer in defense. Simultaneously she shoots a look barely behind her to tell Steve! 'stay back.'

"My apologies master!" says a young man in the room. He steps from fighting stance to attention, bowing at the waste. "I was keeping myself busy until you arrived." The youth stands at attention and waits for her, but she remains in the doorway. After an uncomfortable silence he looks to her and asks "Is there something wrong master? Am I wrong that this is the scheduled time for my lesson? I could come back another time! Just say the word!"

Gladiola steps into the room. "No, this is fine. I was simply testing your patience. Now I shall test your ability to... speak your orders. Tell me exactly of this class, including your name and rank and class level!"

The boy steps to attention again. "Sir yes sir! I am Raegan Istholden, trainee second level, here for my weekly fighting training sir!"

"At ease."

"I must say, master, that I've been very excited to begin our new class. Father has assured me that you are one of the greatest combat teachers he has ever seen, and he is extremely difficult to impress!"

Gladiola steps further into the room. "I am looking forward to hearing more of your father and his high opinion of me. But first I must gain an opinion of you, student." pulling her hammer from her waist Gladiola begins to pace the youth, and he immediately recognizes the unspoken signal to fight and circles her too. As he moves past the weapons rack he pulls a flail out, swinging it around his head once or twice. Upon the second revolution Gladiola moves in, taking advantage of his weapon being occupied and in seconds he finds himself on the ground, the weapon in her hand. "I see we have MUCH to learn." she shakes her head over him.

"What can you teach me, master?" a voice from the door. An older boy, probably several years older, enters with Steve! held before him around the neck. "I found this man standing outside and he seemed suspicious!"

Gladiola steps to the new young man, grabbing his hand and wrenching it around and freeing Steve!. "This is my page!" she growls, bringing her face up to his closely. He backs down not at all. "And who are you?"

The boy behind her speaks as he returns to his feet. "This is my older brother Plataxx. He will be studying with you on the morrow. This is the new combat teacher, 'taxx! Is she not impressive?"

"Hmmm. Perhaps, little brother. I would need to face her to know her true skills."

"I would be HAPPY to show you what I can do. Boy." Gladiola snarls back.

Steve! and Raegan, sensing things could get exciting before we're done here, scoot out of the way, taking their seats on a stack of tumbling cushions against the far wall. Plataxx and Gladiola step back into the room, sizing each other up as they stretch and bend their muscles. Gladiola spins her hammer comfortably around in her right hand. "With weapons or hand-to-hand, boy?" she further antagonizes her opponent. He refuses to take the bait.

"I suggest we begin hand-to-hand. I wish to get a true understanding of your skills. Ma'am." In response Gladiola slides her hammer back into her belt, doffing her imaginary cap to Plataxx in acquiescence. They pace 'round the room, facing each other, waiting for someone to make the first move. At last Plataxx steps forward and they lock arms and heads together in classic wrestling stance. Gladiola is amazed to find his strength to be much greater than that of a boy his age, and she adjusts her strategy to allow for more... surprises. As if on cue, the boy dips low, slipping out of her grasp and rushing forward. His shoulder gathers up her chest, smashing it and her against the far wall with a crash and knocking the wind from her in the process.

Steve!'s eyebrows raise -- this will be very different than what he'd expected.

"Plataxx was the first to be blessed with the strength of the gods." Raegan whispers to the Ranger, never taking his fascinated eyes from the battle at hand. "He enjoys the speed and power as well. I hope that when father bestows these gifts upon me I will be ready and worthy. Of course that's what mistress teacher is for I guess, right?"

Gladiola, having just recovered from the unexpected impact, bends over, grabbing Plataxx 'round his chest and heaves, lifting him off his feet and upside down. She drops to her knees, smashing his head into the floor (with great thanks to Triple H!) with a satisfying 'thonk!'

"Say, by which gods did your father bless your brother?" Steve! asks his seatmate.

"Farrendoah the Flayer." he responds back. The name sends a cold burst shooting through Steve!. Farrendoah the Flayer, he remembers through the fog of his lack of memories, is one of the great and terrible demons, best known for having swept through an entire valley of villages in the olden days, quenching thousands of lives in an instant and all simply for refusing to worship at his demonic feet. Those who worship his name now pledge to extinguish 100 non-believing lives a cycle in exchange for demonic gifts. Steve! marvels at how much worse this just keeps getting and getting...

Gladiola currently kneels, her left knee crushing down in the center of Plataxx's back as she smashes her fist into the back of his head. Or at least that was the plan, but to her surprise the boy is able to shift enough under her through brute strength to turn his head just out of the way, and instead her fist hits hard floor. Equally surprising is the smile that continues to smear itself on the boy's face despite their now vicious battle. He is clearly not worried, and seems instead to be enjoying every moment. Enjoying it in a most... sinister way.

"Your master is amazing. Even Plataxx is impressed with her. He may not show it, but I can tell." Raegan tells Steve! out of the corner of his mouth, his eyes never leaving the battle. Steve! nudges the boy, producing a small ball of flame in the palm of his hand.

"Yeah, but can she do this?" he asks, grinning. The boy's eyes flash with fascination, watching the ball hover over Steve!'s hand.

"Magic!" he chirps. "We had a magician in the court for a while!" Raegan's face darkens with bad memories. "Father had him killed when a trick he performed stained one of the wall hangings." Raegan returns to stare at the fight. After a minute more he adds "Father says it’s important to be clear in your expectations. And when someone does not meet them you..." the boy runs his hand down his arm, from shoulder to elbow. "...you demonstrate your disappointment."

Gladiola lunges forward, fist just barely sliding past her opponent's shoulder as he sidles by and drives his elbow into her middle. Her armor deflects the blow for the most part, but that insidious smile continues to flash at her across the battle. She decides it's time to wipe that smile off his face, and if she takes some nose off at the same time so be it.

Steve! hands Raegan a bit of jerky, recently purloined from the kitchens. As he takes the offering he looks around guiltily before chomping down on the meat. Through chews he tells Steve! "Father frowns on food not earned. We have a challenge each day and when we do not accomplish the goal we go hungry." As if on cue a loud, sad gurgle echoes from the boy's stomach. He blushes, and Steve! hands him another, larger bit of jerky. The boy looks over at his seatmate again, feeling care from another person for the first time since his mother was put to death in the Sonchiean pit.

Tapping into the mystical strength gifted to her from the Wizard, Gladiola grabs Plataxx's jerkin at the shoulder and his pants at the waistline, lifting the young man over her head. She smiles, knowing that this will hurt (although not permanently) and as she looks across the room to her partner, sure he will share her smile, she's perplexed by his response.

Steve! looks on as Gladiola prepares a stern but appropriate lesson for the brash young man, and as he begins to smile encouragement to her there is a movement in the doorway, immediately behind her. Steve!'s skin goes cold as he recognizes Baron Istholden, standing with an evil eye and a long dagger in his hand. There is no time to cry before his arm lunges forward, aimed directly at Gladiola's back! With the sick sound of the dagger slicing into her Gladiola's eyes go wide. She tosses Plataxx to the far wall, her hands scrabbling at her back in an attempt to remove the blade and she falls to the ground, crying in agony. The pain is far worse than any single stab wound; Steve! understands immediately there is magic on that blade. With no thought other than that of his partner and the need to escape Steve! pulls his own blade, placing it below Raegan's chin.

"Do not move!" he cries, pulling the boy to his feet before him as he also stands. The Baron, still standing over his agonized friend with a wide smile, glares and stands still.

"What do you ask for, Ranger?" he growls.

Steve! gestures with his hands, indicating that he and the boy are to swap positions with the Baron. As they parry about the room, neither side taking eyes off the other, the Baron collects his older son from the floor, helping him to stand. Now Steve! and his hostage stand with their back to the door. Steve! tells the boy "help her up." and he does, ducking to avoid Gladiola's massive hands as they lash out, still trying to remove the painful dagger. With her spasaming form over his shoulder the odd trio back out the door into the hallway. Closing the door after them Steve! sets it ablaze, trusting that the fire will prevent them from following for at least a moment. Looking up either hallway he wonders what is the best, fastest route to a safe haven. Raegan hisses to them "This way!" and, still supporting Gladiola, he makes his way down a hallway. Steve! worries for a moment, but he senses the boy can be trusted and he follows him down the hall.

Raegan quickens his pace and continues to coax on the group, "This way, hurry! No time, we've got to hurry!" Steve! loses sight of him as he turns the corner and much to his surprise runs right into Drelftox as his rounds it.

"Oooof! Steve!, Gladiola, what are you doing here?"

"We're on the run from Istholden. His son Raegan is helping us. What are you doing here?"

"Raegan the Mad is helping you? This can't be. You are in grave danger!"

"Raegan...the Mad...are you sure it’s not Raegan the friendly or perhaps Raegan the kind, because I would like that a lot better."

A small voice echoes out of the darkness, "Unfortunately no. Father has assured me that kindness will only be rewarded with pain. Delivering the two of you however may finally convince him that I'm worthy to be an Istholden. No more will I only be known as Plataxx's little brother."

The voice seems to be coming from all directions and Gladiola whirls around looking for a target.

"You'll always be nothing... Plataxx would have killed them both by now... SHUT UP! I'm am just as brave as Plataxx! I've just been held back by my... my... condition." "You can't fight like Plataxx... can't wield a weapon like Plataxx... you aren't worthy to carry his armor... SILENCE! I'll show all of you!"

Suddenly the sound of stomping boots coming closer echoes through the room. From out of a dark corner comes the form of a young boy enshrouded with a cloak of what likes like sewn together pieces of flesh. Streams of tears can be seen racing down his cheeks as he streaks towards the adventurers. A gleaming sickle in his hand raises as he cries out unintelligible babble.

What will you do?

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER THIRTEEN!

Chapter Eleven -- Money, Money, Money MONEY. MONEY!

2009-06-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

*Time Passes*

Steve! and Gladiola sit, eating their sammiches stolen from a guard galley they happened by. Their legs dangle over an endless precipice, having come to roost on the verge of a bottomless pit they've found. They enjoy a moment of rest and quiet. Finally Gladiola swallows the last bite of her mutton and cheese with pickle. She picks a bit of meat out of a back molar with her pinky claw, sucking the food off (because who knows when she'll get more meat so waste not want not!) and clears her throat.

".........so TOTALLY lost?" she asks at last, not looking at Steve!.

".........totally." he replies, still a third of his sammich left.

Silence returns for several beats.

".........how long do you s'pose we've been wandering around today anyway?"

".........somewhere between 4 and 6 hours I expect."

"yup, that sounds right."

Silence at the lip of a bottomless pit is actually silenter than any other silence.

"Yup." Gladiola repeats, swinging her feet below her.

Steve! finishes his last bite or two of food, his hands shiny from the mutton grease. He reaches into his pockets, pulling things out in pursuit of his kerchief. At last he finds it and as he wipes his hands clean his eyes survey the pile of items thrust upon him by Drelftox. 'Funny little assortment of this and that.' he thinks to himself, shoving his kerchief and the clutter back into the pockets. "Right!" he calls, clapping and rubbing his hands together as if eager to try some daring new thing. "Let's get back to the wandering around lost and aimless, shall we?"

The pair clamber to their feet and stroll back to the single door behind them. Back out into the hallway they close the door, clearly marked "Bottomless Pit Room", behind them. Gladiola shakes her greasy hands as well, and in response Steve! hands her his kerchief, once again pulling out his booty. The brass disk falls from his hand, landing on the floor with a clatter. The cover opens with a 'pop!' as it spins on its edge. Steve! watches the revolutions eventually run down, and as Gladiola tries to hand him back his kerchief he becomes transfixed by the face of the device.

"Steve!. Hello? Your kerchief? Helloooooooo???"

"Do you hear that?" he asks, almost a whisper.

"Hear what?"

"I think it's coming from that compass-thing-deal."

Steve! picks up the device and holds it to his ear. Ever so faintly he hears, "wrong way dumbass".

"What do you hear Steve!?"

"Ummm...nothing, I think it's broken or something."

"duuuummmbbbass...your going the wrong waaaaayyyy."

"Shut up you!"

"What?"

"Nothing. How does this stupid thing work?"

Examining the instruments face shows it divided into eight sections, each with its own color and symbol. There is a rotating arrow anchored in the center encircled by four tiny gems of different colors. As Steve! faces down a corridor, the arrow points at a blue section with what looks like a pineapple with a star around it.

"Hey Gladiola, isn't that the way to where we got these sandwiches?"

"Yeah I think so, why?"

Steve! turns and begins to walk down another pathway. The arrow swings wildly for a second and then comes to rest on a yellow section with three rectangles. Steve! proceeds down the passage staring at the device as he walks.

"Steve! where are you going? Steve!...Steeevvvee!?"

He comes to a large wooden double door. It has massive iron hinges and large lock next to the handles. As he draws near it, one of the gems glows green. Looking over the large lock, Steve! decides it to be impenetrable by raw brute force. Racking his brain, a spark of brilliance appears. Focusing his thoughts he releases just a whisper of a spell. A single bogling appears before him and immediately begins to cower in fear.

"It's OK little guy. I'm not going to get you killed, just relax. I need you to unlock this door."

The bogling looks at the massive doors and then back at Steve! Even more afraid he shakes his head at Steve!.

"Don't worry. I'm going to get you inside, you just open the lock."

Recalling the wisdom of The Wizard, Steve! begins to do that which is not necessarily the right thing to do, but is the most excellent. Reaching into his mind he calls out both the Summon Boglings and Trick Shot power and begins to mix. The two ethers swirl and dance, resistant at first to intertwine. Then all at once they snap together and pierce through the giant door. After a few thumping sounds there is silence. After a few minutes pass, the great lock begins to rattle and creak. The door swings open and there stands the bogling with a wide grin. Steve! pats him on the head as he passes through the doorway. Entering the chamber, Steve!'s eyes widen and his mouth gapes open. Filling the room is chest after chest brimming over with gold and treasure. Glimmering jewels, golden crowns, and hordes of pearls and silver.

"Gladiola you gotta come see this!"

"What is it, did you discover the bathroom of ultimate darkness 'cause I really gotta make some room after all that mutton...Holy Gilgamesh!!"

Gladiola stares in wonder at the mountains of loot. Passing through the doorway, she never thinks to look down. Straight down onto the slightly raised floor stone. The floor stone she steps directly on. The same floor stone that triggers a great metal slab to come hurtling down from the ceiling, smashing the smiling bogling to paste and sealing the entrance.

"Whoops...sorry Steve!. Looks like you lost another follower."

"You know you have a detect traps power right!"

"Yes."

"Are you confused as to how it works or what a "trap" is?!"

"No...Hey you would have probably killed him later by lighting him on fire or something anyways."

What will you do?

"I'll set you on fire..." Steve! mutters under his breath as he climbs back over a chest overflowing with doubloons, making his way back to where there used to be a door. Now he faces only a huge wall of stone. No hinges, no windows, no locks or knobs. "Yeah, this is totally perfect." He shoots a glare her way, quick to pull it back before she returns the glance. "Got any ideas?"

"I was just thinking this could use a great deal of pounding from, say, a mystical hammer. Or some overly-strong fists."

"Hmmm. Interesting idea. Of course I don't think even you could plow through this thing, though I have to admit the idea of letting you try for a while has some appeal. Anything in your trick bag that could help?" Steve! goes through his powers inventory too, just in case.

"...not unless you think it'll help to "please" the wall or bum it out. You?"

"Wanna see what it looks like when a huge mass of arrows bounces off of stone?" The two back away from the stone wall, staring at it intently from their new perch seated atop a bejeweled chest. From his pocket Steve! hears a tiny, nagging voice.

"duuuummmbbbass!!!"

"Good god, there it goes again!" he gripes as he pulls the compass from his pocket. Opening the lid he sees that the arrow now points into a corner behind the piles of treasure, in a section colored black with a keyhole shape of white at its center. The nearest gem, a vibrant blue, flashes in three short bursts over and over. After looking over the cryptic direction for a few minutes Steve clambers off the chest, headed into the corner. "Follow me." he says. The two climb over and around massive mounds of riches. For a moment Gladiola has a brief, hazy memory of some time in her childhood; she climbs up and down dunes of brilliant golden sand. In her fleeting memory she's covered by an avalanche of sand, but as the memory fades life imitates it and a mountain of coins and jewelry tumbles down on top of her. "Gladiola!" cries Steve! as he leaps back, just avoiding the downpour. The entire mass slides past him, crashing into the corner of the room.

He begins to dig before the cascade has even finished, scooping the treasure away in huge handfuls. Sharp corners cut and scrape him, but he digs and digs. Finally a scaly hand shoots up through the gold and he grabs it, pulling and pulling until she re-emerges. She pulls herself to full standing, and as her other hand frees from the quicksand of wealth Steve! sees it holds a golden rope. The other end of the rope disappears into the corner, hidden by the remaining mass of gold. "Where do you think this goes?" she asks. Steve! looks again at his cryptic compass and sees that the blue gem now flashes at double the speed. Going on a hunch he instructs his partner.

"Pull it."

Gladiola prepares to give a yank, but stops and holds her hand to Steve! in the "hold a sec'" position. She gathers up several handfuls of gold and riches, depositing them into her pockets. Steve! follows her lead and does the same. Now, properly riched-up, she takes the rope in both hands and gives a good, solid YANK!

All at once the room tilts toward the corner, a hole opening up there. Treasure flows through the hole, along with the heroes. As she slips through the opening Gladiola looks up and sees that the stone wall hangs at an angle now, leaving a clear path through the still-open door. But it is too late for that now -- they are falling again...

But not for long! *SPLASH!!!*

The cold water shocks them both. They are relieved that the descent wasn't unending like before, but the relief is short lived as they are both pulled under the water quickly, dragged down by the weight now filling their pockets.

Struggling to remove the golden anchors from their pockets the adventurers can feel their lungs begin to ache. Their clothes sticking to their bodies as they descend into the abyss, the gold is reluctant to be removed. Reaching the bottom of the pool their eyes begin to fill with blackness. Gasping for air where there is none, their consciousness slips away.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER TWELVE!

Chapter Ten -- Remote Controls

2009-06-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

"I'm up for sammiches" replies Gladiola, plucking the arrow from her neck with a sick little 'pop!', "but right now I can only barely see YOU, and down the hallway it's super-dark. Man, I wish we had torches. Steve! sits in the glow of the one red stone which provides enough light in the immediate area, but only so far down the way. He remembers that the floor is scattered with more of these, and that the way is dangerous both due to lack of light and to the danger that one of them will step on another red stone, pitching them back into epic battle with each other. (kind of not what they're going for as a goal.) And then, as if knowledge crammed into his brain by a nasty little alchemist, he has a thought.

"...hopelessly trapped..." he whispers as he pulls the red crystal from his pocket. He's surprised to find the crystal glowing in the same manner as the red stone, and he slams it down on the floor. From that point red veins of power shoot across the floor and down the hallway. As each touches a red stone it flashes brilliantly, as the first had done once Gladiola touched it, and stays glowing with power. Now the way down the hall is lit, dimly but enough. With a clear path the two dust themselves off and renew their trek to the other side. "Hey," Steve! mentions to Gladiola as they head out, "do NOT step on the red stones. Just trust me on this."

As the pair finally reach the other side they find a large wooden door, closed and imposing, with a pile of extinguished torches lying at its base. From the other side of the door they hear... rattling. Perhaps a huge, heavily plated dragon with epilepsy? Perhaps a freezing-cold kitchen worker carrying stacks of metal plates? Definitely rattling. Gladiola taps into her 'detect trap' power (1D20=17) and senses no danger, so they turn the large L-shaped handle and pull the door open. On the other side they come face to face with a huge army of soldiers, dressed head-to-toe in plate armor with swords slung at their hips. The army is 50 men strong -- far more than our heroes can take on. "I thought you detected no trap!" Steve! yells as he draws his bow and lets fly the first arrow at the closest soldier's helm!

"I didn't! I don't understand-" at that moment Steve!'s arrow slams into the soldier's forehead, knocking him completely over with a crash! "What the'...?" Gladiola walks, carefully, over to the prone body and kicks it with her toe. Nothing. She tips up the soldier's visor with her hammer and finds the armor... empty. "It's the storage area for the armor!" she turns to Steve! with a smile.

"Whew!" he replies, letting his bow down. "I was not sure exactly what we were gonna do with this."

It is at that moment that the armor stands back up and falls back into place. By itself.

The second the armor moves Gladiola jumps back instinctively, her hammer at the ready. The armor snaps it's visor back down and falls still. Several minutes go by with heroes at the ready and armor standing, vibrating minutely but otherwise completely motionless in formation. Satisfied that there will be no phantom movement they begin to slide through the empty army towards the back of the room. As they hoped, there is another door there. Gladiola checks for traps (1D20=3) and finds that the energy throughout the room not only causes minor vibrations in the phantom army, but blocks her senses beyond the door. Weapons at the ready they push the door inward and find what looks to be some sort of control room. The room is dominated by a panel with four levers and a large red button. All the levers are able to move up and down and currently are in their central positions. Some seem to have metal plaques beside the various positions while others just have holes where the their plaques seem to no longer be. As the door into the chamber opened, a panel on the wall seems to have started to whir and click. A few small gems embedded in it also start to glow one by one from left to right.

What will you do?

"Damn."

"What?"

"No sammiches..." kicking a small stone at her foot in disappointment, Gladiola enters the room. She moves to the levers, squinting at the scratched, tarnished wall plaques still visible. "This one says "Left A." she reads. Steve! has joined her, peering at another plaque.

"Right L." he reads. "and the button says "Action."

"...what the?" Gladiola scratches her head. This is not her forte. She likes it best when the world asks her to smash things. To mangle with impunity. To provide DESTRUCTION. The puzzles just make her itch under her armor. This is more Steve!'s thing.

Although currently Steve! is itching just as much as he stares and stares at the smattering of information before him. Gladiola imagines that she can hear gears whirring between his ears. He makes his way to the other panel, still whirring and clicking and flashing various colors. "The gems have letters on them." he notes. "A, B, C... all the way up to J."

"Raaauughh!" Gladiola punches an unused portion of wall, leaving a fist-sized crater behind. "All this confusion and yet no sammiches!" she growls. "Not even another way out of the damned room!! I swear, if that little crapweasel Drelftox is playing with us I'm going to break him in two and leave him flopped over in a heap!"

Steve! laughs at the image, but then swings back around to the puzzle pieces again, his face the picture of 'Eureka!'. He steps back enough to see the rows of empty soldiers, counting how many across and how many down, then back to the gems, counting how many across. Then back to the doorway, and then back to the panel of levers. Doorway, levers, back to the gems, and so on and so forth. Gladiola briefly considers asking him what he's doing, but she has a vague feeling that she's seen him in such a frenzy before, and that it's best to wait until the fever passes on its own. Sometimes there are prizes at the end.

At last Steve! strides confidently to the gem wall, waving his hand over the green one labeled 'J'. The flashing of all the gems stops, with only 'J' still lit. He smiles triumphantly, moving to the lever wall and pushing the first one all the way up. Finally he pushes the 'Action' button with the flare of a conquering hero.

All at once the entire row of standing armor in the outer room lifts their left arm above their heads. Gladiola leaps to a defensive position instinctively at the sound of the jangling armor and throws her hammer into the armor standing just outside the door, crumpling it to scrap metal. "Great Gods, Steve!, a little warning if you please???"

"Sorry!" he calls over his shoulder absently as he continues to work through the levers, moving arms and legs in turn. "They're puppets!" he calls finally, having found the rhythm to move them smoothly. "An entire puppet army that can barely be stopped because they're not alive! By my count Malgamamarsh has 100 of these hollow soldiers in that room. That would be quite a challenge for any military!"

Gladiola has fetched her hammer back from the barrack. As she heads back to Steve she notices a wall hanging behind the open door and goes to examine it closer. "Steve!, I think we may have a problem." she finally calls to him. Intrigued he allows her call to drag him away from his fascination in the new toy. On the wall she shows him a map. A red arrow states "You Are Here" in the middle of what looks to be 9 more barracks, complete with army operation suites.

"One Thousand Puppet soldiers." she murmurs, looking over the map. "There is not an army around that could defeat them."

"...then we will have to." Steve! replies.

"Oh, good! Brought your 'destroy 1,000 unstoppable metal death-mongers' bat did you, Steve!? Because I'm afraid I left mine in my other pants!" Gladiola seems to get much taller when angry.

"We don't need to destroy the puppets, Gladiola my old friend," Steve! smiles confidently. "We need only to destroy the puppet master. Once we crush Malgamamarsh there will be no one left to marshal these troops!"

Gladiola smiles her most vicious of grins. "Excellent." she purrs, eager for the smashing.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER ELEVEN!

Chapter Nine -- Don't Make Her Angry. You Wouldn't Like Her When She's Angry.

2009-06-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Sure enough that the door will hold, at least temporarily, they look to their new path as they are committed to it. It is a well-lit hallway with a store of multi-colored stones, mostly grey but with some a vibrant red. Steve! pulls himself up, dusts off his clothing and they have just started down the hall when they hear a disembodied maniacal laugh booming off the walls and crashing through their minds. The laugh drips with evil, and as it crashes through their mental defenses, knocking them to the ground, it flies down the hall, gathering up each torch as it goes by and carrying them away into the darkness. When the pair has pushed the laugh and it's coating of evil out of their heads they look up and see the way is now black. Pitch black.

"You know if this were my castle, this would be a great place for a..."

"Don't say it Steve!. I mean it, don't say anything."

"What? I'm just saying a trap door would...." The floor beneath them seems to shift, although in the blackness they can't be certain. Sensations of movement to the side are quickly replaced by the all too familiar feeling of plummeting...quickly.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

"Quick Steve! do something!"

"Like what? Aren't you the one with the detect trap power! Don't you think maybe that would have been useful!"

"Shut up! We're both going to die if you don't do something!"

Desperately trying to summon his powers, his mind reeling from the continuing drop, Steve! reaches into his mind and pulls out the first thing he can grab. From out of the darkness, falling right along beside them, dozens of boglings appear. Each one screaming as they rocket towards their doom.

"How is that helpful Steve!?"

"I don't know. It was all I could think of! I can't believe I'm going to kill even more followers!"

Confident that she can do better, Gladiola summons her power, and releases. The air whooshing past is suddenly thicker as they are surrounded by an odd smelling fog. doom doom di da duh doom doom doom doom... Despite their apparent demise, the boglings seem suddenly more relaxed. Pleased almost that their end will be soon... in a gadda da vida honey... Some stretch out their arms and legs, using them to spin and tumble as they fall. "Wheeee! Thank you master! We're flying like birds!"

"Good one"

"Well they're not screaming anymore are they."

Steve! tries again to focus his mind and taps another power. Streaking across their path come green strands. Thwapping at the adventurers as they pass, their descent is noticeably slowed. The vines numbers begin to increase and some are able to grab hold of Steve! and Gladiola. The boglings prove to be too small and slip through the network of ropes. Although the vines are easily within reach, the boglings just seem to tumble past them, giggling as they go. The silence is broken only by the sound of happy boglings dropping further into the darkness, followed quickly by a chorus of splats.

What will you do?

"...ummmm... now what?" asks Steve!, dangling by his left ankle amidst the pitch black. He asks the general area that he BELIEVES contains Gladiola, but so thick is the black he can barely make out any shapes. Occasionally he giggles as a vine reaches out and inadvertently tickles him.
From the ink comes, at last, a rather annoyed reply. "We climb." And climb they do. Have you ever tried to climb one of those rope ladders, or the big hanging ladder-bridge challenge thing at the renaissance fairs? You know how those are really difficult? Well, imagine if instead of ropes you have vines. And imagine if the vines are VERY MUCH alive and moving around. And a little slick. And sometimes they latch on to you, but sometimes they let you go. This climb? It was like that. After about a dozen feet they came to the point at which Steve! had initially called for viney assistance, above which the walls are only rock and dirt. Holding on to a vine with one hand, his feet held by others, he calls forth more vines and they make their way back up to the corridor in this fashion. Very slowly.

Periodically Steve! tries to chat up his partner. "Tough climb, eh?" He asks. He can hear her grunts and panting in the darkness, and occasionally sees movement, but she refuses to answer. "So, you're still mad at me?"

Silence.

"I didn't know that the trap door would happen just because I thought it would be a good place for one-OAH!." he tries again, his arms missing a grip and his entire body flipping top to bottom, held tight by those wrapped around his knees. They continue to climb and he continues to offer olive branches, but Gladiola's impressive anger will NOT be cracked.

At LAST they reach the top of the hole and climb, sweaty and sore, out through the trap door. Steve! holds up his now-free hand, filling it with a fireball, the light from which he hopes to see Gladiola's face. "Are you done being mad at me now?" he asks. He sees her prone form lying on the floor across the trap door, her chest heaving from exhaustion, and for several minutes she says nothing. At last she sits up on her elbows to look over at him. She gives him a wry grin.

"Aye, I'm done. But next time? Let's keep our brilliant evil mind to ourselves, shall we?"

After a well-deserved rest they climb back to their feet and begin to make their careful way down the hall. Steve! produces fireballs as he can for temporary light, but knows it is folly to waste the energy required for that power on a flashlight. Part-way down the hall Gladiola's heavy foot steps down onto one of the red floor tiles, and the second she does her entire body glows strong and red. She sags dramatically for a moment, then rises to full size, but something about her demeanor has... changed. "Are you alright?" Steve! asks, reaching out a hand to touch her arm, but when he makes contact she spins to face him, drawing her weapon as she does. She is armed and ready for battle!

Steve! takes a step back and then another, careful to avoid any other red stones (and grateful at least for the light now glowing from the one on which Gladiola had stepped.) "What are you doing?" he asks her.

In the hallway the booming voice returns. "She is following her NEW master!" it laughs, crashing through Steve's mind like an elephant crushing cockroaches. "What better way to eliminate you pesky interlopers than by letting one dispatch the other?" As the laugh roars loud and strong again, eventually fading into the distance, Gladiola's hammer flies past Steve!'s nose, far too close for comfort!

"This can't be happening. Get a hold of yourself Steve!. Focus. You've got to have some sort of power that can help you here. Think. OK... Mind Control, that will totally work! Wait... no... that's Gladiola's power... damn. What about a Pleasing Mist? Maybe that would calm her aggression? No... also Gladiola's... son of a..."

Gladiola rushes at Steve!, her eyes burning with fury. His nimble ranger instincts kick in as he darts towards the stone wall and then rebounds off it, narrowly avoiding her tackle. As he spins to keep her in his sight, as if by reflex he releases a burst of electrical energy. Gladiola's body convulses as it is surrounded by the storm of lightening. As the shocks subside, she falls to the floor and cries out, "Steve!, why would you do that? I thought that we were friends?"

"Gladiola... I'm sorry... you were possessed or something." Steve! approaches and lays a hand on her shoulder, still hot with ripples of smoke coming off of it.

Her face turns as her hand grabs his, "Fooled you!" Pivoting off her foot and with great force, she hurls Steve! into the wall. The concussion makes his head ring and he can barely make out his bow lying before him. He quickly reaches for it, leaps to his feet and tries to get a target. Seeing Gladiola standing boldly before him, he hesitates.

"Give me your best shot loser."

Steve! draws the string taut and lets fly with the arrow. As it streaks toward Gladiola, she leans back, bending like a reed in the wind. The fletching grazes her cheek as it shoots by, tickling her viciously.

"Not good enough ranger boy."

"Don't be so sure."

The arrow continues down the corridor before striking a torch holder and glancing off. Just then a lone guard comes around the corner. "It's them! I've found..." The arrow catches his shield and forces it into the wall. The blow causes the soldier to lose his balance, as his sword hand instinctively goes down to try and catch his fall. The blade sticks in his gut and drives through his torso as his body falls to the floor. The arrow now almost reversed, loses a single fletching, causing its flight path to arc. The journey ends as it catches Gladiola square in the back of her neck. The tip jabbing perfectly between the vertebrae as one lonesome remaining spark travels along it directly into her spine. Her body jolts for an instant, and then is calm.

"Steve!? What happened? Where are we?"

"Gladiola, are you OK?"

"Yeah, I guess so. What's going on?"

"You were mind controlled for a while there, but it looks like you got out of it."

"Oh man, I feel really weird. Oh my God, is this an arrow stuck in my neck? How the hell did that happen?"

"I don't know, weird huh. A lot of crazy things happen in forbidden fortresses. Hey let's see if we can find some sandwiches..."

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER TEN!

Chapter Eight - Sex, Drugs, No Rock and Roll

2009-05-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

"Did someone call for the WWWWizard!?"

Smoke seems to surround the adventurers, appearing from nowhere. Strobes of flashing lights in all the colors of the rainbow explode all around them. Gladiola and the scientist leap back as the floor beneath them suddenly opens. oom she oom she oom she Slowly rising from the hole in the floor dee dee dah dah dah dee dee dah dah is the instantly recognized... is that techno music?... anyways, it's The Wizard aaahh aha aha de dee dee dee. Steve! and Gladiola suddenly feel their arms and legs begin to move about as is pulled by strings from some diabolical puppeteer. Gyrating and bouncing they move around the wizard oom she oom she oom she. The Wizard raises his arms and the screams and applause of thousands are heard from the surrounding darkness, even though not a soul can be seen. He then drops them to his sides and all that appeared is gone. There is only The Wizard.

"I see you have met Drelftox. Did he show you the orange potion yet?"

"Oh great The Wizard, please tell these chosen ones that I mean them no harm."

"Do you?"

"...Do I what?"

" Mean them no harm.

"No."

"No you don't mean them no harm, or no you don't mean them harm?"

"Wait.. what?... the second one I think…"

"This is Drelftox, an alchemist and studier of the arcane. He has seen the prophecy and will seek to see it fulfilled. I will grant him some of my power to aid you on your quest."

The Wizard's outstretched hand glows with red and yellow light. Actually, it’s more of a burgundy or mauve perhaps, and the yellow has some tinges of white. Definitely more of a flat yellow than a gloss. If you look at it from the side, you can almost see them forming this kind of burnt orange. The light leaps out and encircles Drelftox, before quickly collapsing into his body. Drelftox is visibly surged with power.

"Whooooaa! That was totally awesome!"

Gladiola spins to see one of the zombie soldiers, still under the influence of the pleasing mist behind them. As she spins back, The Wizard is gone.

What will you do?

"...alrighty, little man. You have our trust. FOR NOW." Gladiola brings her face in close to his, aware once more about the distinct difference in size between them. "But I'll be watching you, and if you step out of line for even a SECOND I will grind you into a smelly little powder. Are we clear?" The scientist is completely unphased by the threat, pushing past her towards the exit from the coliseum once more.

"As I said before, there is much to do!" The threesome climbs the stairs between rows of seats and eventually emerge through a heavy wooden door into yet ANOTHER pathway in the fortress. Drelftox, having lived in the fortress since first he was captured by Malgamamarsh's men, knows the pathways and hallways intimately, but in no time at all our heroes are hopelessly lost. It's quite a surprise when they go through yet another door and find themselves in his laboratory once again. "Aah, home at last." Drelftox mutters sarcastically as he starts to shuffle through the pile of parchments on his large table. And shuffle. And still more shuffling. Shuffling, shuffling, shuffling... shuffling... "Here!" he yells, and produces a large map of one level of the fortress. "We are here," he circles a room in the bottom-right corner of the map, "and you need to find the bed-quarters of the Barons, which is somewhere in the "forbidden to be visited by any creepy little science-freaks!" area, which is here" and he circles the upper-left quarter of the map. This area is less map-like, and more... blank.

"I haven't seen this area personally, but I know the following three dangers are to be avoided in there: 1) trap-doors hidden in various rooms that fall to various dangerous dangers, 2) suites used as housing for each of the 6 barons, as well as the lavish palace rooms of the Lord himself and 3) the harem quarters enjoyed by all the barons. That is, by far, the most dangerous of all the threats, my friends."

"Steve!, could I talk to you for a moment over here?" Gladiola glares at Drelftox as she and her partner step to the side for a private chat. "Seriously, I do NOT trust this geeky little turd, do you?"

"I'll concede that he's a strange one, but he has knowledge, which we lack, and information, which we need. We know we can crush him like a bug if we need to, and when has The Wizard ever steered us the wrong way? I say we follow his lead, at least for now." Gladiola nods her head in unenthusiastic agreement, and the two of them review the map once more before heading out toward the mysterious northwestern quadrant of the fortress. They decide to stay to the shadows, using smaller or rarely patrolled routes, hoping to keep the bloodshed to a minimum. (not a complete LACK of bloodshed, of course. Just less is all.)

"Don't forget this! You'll need it to get through the wards." Dreltox throws Steve! a crimson octagonal gem that seems to glimmer just a little more than it should. "Be careful with it, or you may find yourself hopelessly trapped. Here...take some of these too." He gives Gladiola a vial of orange liquid that seems to have tiny red beads suspended in it. To Steve! he hands a brass disc that appears to be some sort of compass, although not like any they have seen before. To both he hands another flask of the strange purple liquid. "Now be off with you! I'll try to help from here if I can"

"Aren't you coming with us? The Wizard said he gave you powers to help us."

"Ah yes...well I think he meant that in more of a metaphorical sense...you know, like in spirit or such. Less in a surrounded by nasty beasts and covered in blood kind of way."

What will you do?

...our heroes have been sneaking down hallways, pathways and walkways for over 3 hours. Well, originally they were sneaking. When first they left Drelftox's lab they were heavy with the sneaky-sneaky, slinking tricksy down each new route and watching behind and ahead for any sign of impending discovery and oh so careful that you would think they were hauling unstable nitroglycerin. But this level of sneakiness is, frankly, exhausting and can only be maintained for so long. Especially when, hall after hall, they met nobody. Not another soul seemed to be about. At first they counted their lucky stars and attributed it to their well-planned route. But now they begin to wonder if everyone decided to just give up and maybe the joint is abandoned! So at this point we find the heroes strolling, even tromping, down the latest chunk of floor, oblivious to any sense of care.

"Is it smaller than a Carpacian hen?" Gladiola asks.

"no." Steve! replies.

"Is it smaller than a Vrendi dog?"

"no."

"Is it smaller than a trunskall pony?"

"...y-e-e-essss? I think. I'm not sure, so it's either yes or it's the same size." they walk in silence to the next corner, where Steve! peeks around and verifies that this is yet another totally empty hall. As they turn the corner and continue on Gladiola resumes the game, thinking for several minutes.

"Is it Drelftox?" she finally asks. Steve! grins widely and they both burst out laughing. So huge is their laughter that they wander around the next bend without checking first and run smack dab into a crowd of 7 beautiful, extremely scantily clad women. The two groups stand for moments, both shocked at the unexpected collision. As the first woman begins to open her mouth, presumably to scream, Steve! leaps forward and slap his palm over her mouth, wrapping his arm around her waist for leverage. With his touch of the woman the rest of the group gasps LOUDLY, their eyes bugged out in shock. One exclaims in horror!

"He has touched the Sec'-ah-'tet! He has defiled her being with his male touch! HE MUST BE PUNISHED!"

"Steve!, I think we need to get out of here before these crazy wenches call for guards to lop off your head!" hisses Gladiola, her hand reaching across to hold the handle to her hammer in readiness.

"We need no guards to do what must be done." growls another of the women, and suddenly two of them grab each of Gladiola's arms, slamming her hard against the wall. She is amazed to find that they are more than capable of pinning her there! "The master has made sure we can protect ourselves." says one guard at Gladiola's confusion. "It is a consecrated strength for which you are no match."

The four remaining women form a square around Steve!, drawing slim daggers from their hips that are roughly 3 inches long but RAZOR sharp. In a visceral response Steve! feels his manhood shrink, crawling back into the relative safety of his insides.

"Now that we have you right where we want you, Steve! was it? We'll show you why no one dares to intrude into the quarters of the great Malgamamarsh's women! Let's start by...talking about our feelings!"

"NOOO!!! Wait what...did you just say talk about our feelings? Not gouge out my eyes or cut off my fingers?"

"I just don't think you appreciate us anymore Steve!, and why can't you be more romantic?

"Well I try to be romantic when I can, I've just been really busy lately..."

"Which of these drapes do you like best Steve!?"

"I don't know, which one do you like best?"

"Steve! will you hold my purse while I go try this on?"

"Oh come on, I don't want to be that guy. Don't make me do that, please."

"Steve! does this harem girl outfit make me look fat?"

"Please stop...Oh sweet gods, Drelftox was right...we should have never come here!" Steve! collapses to his knees sobbing.

Gladiola strains against the overpowering wenches, "You monsters, leave him alone!"

Of course the joke is truly on the overconfident siren swarm, as they don't realize that Steve! was raised by his mother, grandmother and six, count 'em SIX, sisters. As such he has steeled himself against these classic female attacks. (of course he's also not seen any action for something like 5 years, but that's a different conversation and not the point anyway. Shut up. he's just in a slump. He can totally pull out of it.) Steve! oozes into a puddle on the floor, his sobbing becoming more emotional and heartfelt, but as he reaches across the stones he silently conjures, pulling from deep in the earth his obedient mass of killer vines (now hopefully with even more obedience!). 1D20=7 The smooth marble floor cracks and shudders as sprouts of green begin to emerge. The harlots dodge and weave, but are no much for the agility of the possessed plants. One by one the vines grab at them, raising them above the ground and encircling their bodies. Their sharp daggers cut and dice the wicked flora, but to no avail, as two vines appear for every one cut through.

Gladiola takes advantage of the chaos, feeling the wenches' strength flag as they are distracted, and she brings her arms crashing together in front of her, crashing the wenches into each other at the same time. Remembering the map in her head she concentrates on the best route of escape and, pulling Steve! free of a few vines that seek to hold him close, she charges through the quarters to the door on the opposite side. She's sure to slam the door behind her, keeping the vines on the OTHER side. As they hear the screams and slaps through the door she looks at Steve!. "Dude, you REALLY need to figure out how to control those things!"

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER NINE! (this time for sure!)

Chapter Seven - Beasts and Bugs Galore

2009-05-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

"Enough!" roars Steve!, lashing out with a foot to catch the monster's next assault, deflecting it just barely. With just that second to act he rolls away from ground zero of the attack, headed for behind the goblin warrior. As he scampers he summons another goblin to lend aid to the first, whispering to himself "safety in numbers. I hope." 1D20=8 -2 for poison=6. The insect spins to catch sight of Steve! 1d20=5. It keen senses find him quickly, but its bloodlust causes it to not notice another portal opening. Carelessly it walks right into it and the magics burn away one of its legs. Surprised by the scorching wound from nowhere, it lurches back only to be confronted by now two pests. Goblin attack 1D20=13+1-8=6 Goblin2 Attack 1D20=14+1-8=7 The first goblin sees the bug expose its underbelly as it lurches back from the pain of contacting the mystical portal. Despite its small size and strength, it leaps into the fray and jabs its sword in between the giant insect's plates of armor. Foul fluids come streaming out as the insect lets out a bloodcurdling shriek. Witnessing the success of his goblin brother, the newly summoned goblin follows suit and attacks the behemoth at its most vulnerable spot. A second sword pierces through the bug's shell causing even more damage than the first. (Steve!=3 Bug=4, Steve! has two goblins)

Thag weighs roughly sixteen or so tons, and that weight digs her left shoulder into the dirt floor of the pit as he grinds his heel gleefully. "So what if I sting you like a bee?" Gladiola asks sweetly, matching his smile. In her free hand her hammer once again bursts into flames and she plows it straight through his hideous face! 1D20=18-4+2=16 1d20=4 Thag reels back as the flaming hammer hits him squarely between the eyes. The assault is made even worse by the proximity of his nose to his now burning face as his nostrils are burned by both fire and the noxious fumes of burning ogre flesh. Wailing in agony, he dances around the pit until colliding with the wall. The flames are finally extinguished, but his face and eyes are now severely disfigured. (Gladiola=4 Ogre=3)

Meanwhile Steve! enjoys his first successful attack on the killer cockroach. He wastes no time, however, as he knows he must capitalize on this moment while he can. He pulls his bow from his back, relieved to see that the repeated damage to his body hasn't damaged his weapon. The magical arrow appears his hand and, as his goblin minions continue to strike at the insect, he channels his inner-Zeus into the missile, finally firing the lightening arrow at what appears to be an unprotected underbelly. 1D20=12+2=14 (poison still in effect?) yes, and -3 now, bringing your attack to 11 Just as the electric arrow is about to pierce the bug's soft underbelly, it's massive claw comes down and deflects the attack. Arcs of electricity cascade over the pincer, but don't penetrate the thick armor. 1d20=17 Feeling the sting of the tiny menace, the insect leaps away from the goblin attacker. It quickly spins and brings its giant pincer to bear. The claw catches the nimble foe around the midsection and snaps him in half with little effort. The legless top half briefly attempts to pull itself along the ground and out of harm’s way, but it soon speared through by one of the insect's sharp legs. The giant abomination then turns towards Steve! and lets out a hiss. Your remaining goblin could still hit with a natural 20 if you care to try and roll one. He gets to attack every "turn" just like you. (Steve!=3 Bug=4, Steve! has one goblin) Remaining goblin attack 1D20=2. That's what you meant about a natural 20, right? Super.

Disoriented and overwhelmed with pain, Thag attempts to regain his bearings. His eyes now scorched he attempts to make out the clever warrior who has eluded his wrath. Perception check 1d20-8=-6...dude Making out a blurry shape, he charges head first and brings his club crashing into the foe 1d20=18-2=16 Bug's roll=16 Unfortunately for Thag, the opponent was not the brave warrior, but instead the giant insectoid. The rage filled strike from his club smashes into its shell, breaking it open. The bug reels under the unexpected attack, toppling over on its side as fluids leak out of its broken carapace. Gladiola can apply her attack without fear of retribution. It will just be blocked if she loses to Thag's roll of 16. Incredulous to the good fortune that has suddenly blessed them, Gladiola calls to her partner (pleased, and a little surprised, to find him still alive) "Steve! Dog pile on the crappy monsters!!!" She climbs to her feet, snapping her left shoulder back into its socket, and with an enthusiastic war cry she rushes forward. As she runs toward the prone beasts she pulls forth white, sparkly energy, all full-to-overflowing with holy goodness, and imbues her entire person with the holy power. She's tired of this back and forth and plans to end this here and now! Holy Smite attack 1D20=4-3=1. embarrassing really... The heavens shake with thunder as divine power swirls around Gladiola. Sparks of radiant energy fly from her as she pulls her mighty hammer down. As it impacts, the whole chamber shakes with power. Gladiola open her eyes to see not a once fearsome ogre now only pieces, but instead a great stone wall, now with a massive crater. Inexperienced with the full power of the gods, it appears she overshoots the target by a great deal.

The toppling bug surprises Steve! as well. Still with some fight left in him, he leaps away from the falling giant, it’s dangerous limbs flailing as it descends. Steve can attack without fear of retribution as well. Bug's roll is 16 as previous described. Steve! also benefits from Thag's attack and has 4 victory points now. In response to Gladiola's invitation Steve! also rushes to action, eager to lay a bonus smackdown on this danged dirty bug. However the many legs and arms of the insect prove too dangerous to approach, all thrashy as it is, so he stands to the side, searching for some tiny hole in its hard shell in which his lightning bolt could find a home. "Goblin, feel free to press your attack!" he yells as he scans for targets. Finally seeing something promising he lets it fly, fingers crossed on one hand. "I have a bad feeling about this..." Lightening Weapon attack 1D20+2-4 (for poison)=2, goblin attack 1D20=9-8=1 Heeding his master's words, the goblin the goblin lunges at the grounded insect with unexpected speed. So unexpected in fact, that Steve! doesn't calculate for it. It seems that they both spied the same promising target, but didn't account for the physics of two objects not being able to occupy the same space at the same time. Well not two alive objects anyway. Steve!'s lightning arrow strikes the goblin squarely in the back. Arcs of energy shoot out of the little fighter like a electric pincushion right before he explodes. And so Steve! continues on his path of follower executions.

Gladiola comes to in blackness. As she tries to move around she realizes that she's under many, many stones that previously made up the wall around the pit. She pushes and pushes until they give way, allowing her exposure to the light again, and she shakes the stone dust from her hair and face. She looks at the crater in the wall and wonders how much more of a hit would it take to push through to the other side, and what would they find there? An interesting idea for later, but right now she returns her attention to the monster-fest at the center of the ring. Climbing the rest of the way out of the boulder pile, rubbing aching muscles and the most recent of scrapes, she takes stock of their current situation. Thag the ogre is slowly standing up, his impaired vision slowing his attacks but by no means stopping them. The huge insect seems stuck on its broken back of a shell, but is still thrashing wildly with everything it has, making it extremely difficult to approach. Steve! stands off to the side, an expression of immense guilt on his face for some reason she'll have to ask him about later, and she's flying into stone walls. "Awesome." she grins.

Clambering down the rubble pile she decides to give her Holy Smite another try. "After all," she reasons, "practice makes perfect." She reaches inside for the white, sparkly energy of holy goodness and lets it overflow her again; Once the power is thumping through her with each heartbeat she heads toward Thag again, moving from a jog to a run and finally to a blinding white meteor of attack! The wind rushing through her hair, the euphoric energy, all of this builds to a crescendo and she leaps at the ogre, bringing her hammer down again! As her weapon hits she roars "I have had enough of YOU!!!" Holy Smite attack 1D20=19-3=16!!! 1d20=16 This time she brings her hammer true to her aim. Thag catches sight of the incoming assault wreathed in holy light, and moves his club around to block. Even in his wounded state, his battle instincts prove to be intact as the weapon comes directly between him and the thundering hammer. For an instant his heart relaxes as he feels the satisfaction of a well placed tactical maneuver. However it is only for an instant, as his club explodes into a thousand pieces. With no loss of momentum the hammer breaks through the ogre's defenses and comes crashing down on the top of his skull. His giant head can't withstand the holy power and bursts like an overripe melon. Gladiola comes fluttering down and lands on one knee behind the now lifeless body. He heart pounding and barely able to catch her breath, she rises without even turning to gaze at her foe. Just as the tower of flesh begins to fall, she steps to the side narrowly avoiding the falling corpse. It lands with a thunderous whump! that shakes the ground. (Victory Gladiola!)

Steve! can't believe he's destroyed yet another of his followers. He knows not whether it’s the poison or the melancholy of constant failure, but just generally he is bummed. Given that his foe is at least momentarily incapacitated he takes a moment to wallow in self-pity, and flops down in the dusts to assume the proper wallowing position. "I don't even know if this is what I wanted to do with my life!" he grumbles, trying to achieve super-wallowing. As he sits and mutters he looks up and, from this ground position, he sees through the hole in the bug's shell a shiny, thumping thing. Glistening and vibrant. Blue lines running in and out of it. With a start Steve! realizes that he's staring at the damned beasts beating heart, and this knowledge inspires him. He takes his bow once more, lying down on his side to best see the target, and from the most uncomfortable position any archer has ever achieved he fires one single, poison-laden arrow directly at his foes' now-beating heart, hoping that he can use that beating to his own advantage! Poison Strike attack 1D20=17-4 (or 5? poison)=13 (or maybe 12) 1d20=5 Time slows as the arrow streaks towards its target. Steve! can feel the beating of his own heart matching the rhythm of the giant insect's. Narrowly passing by one flailing limb the arrow grows nearer to its mark. "Just a little more...", Steve! wills the shaft past the bug's array of legs. Just as he sees the great insect begin to shift, it is too late. The arrow strikes deep into the monster's heart sending death directly into its system. The creature winces at the initial pain from the strike at a particularly vulnerable spot, hissing and shrieking. While thoughts in its head rush towards finding the attacker and dealing out retribution, it finds that suddenly it can no longer move its limbs. Poison coursing through its system, all it can do is topple to its side and watch the last bits of life stream from its body.

"Perhaps you really are the ones from the prophecy.", a familiar voice calls out form the blackness above the pit. "Here, drink these." Two flasks of purple fluid come falling from the dark and land on the dirt floor. "We don't have time for conventional healing, so this will have to do. We've got work to do after all don't we?" A single torch lights above in what now can be seen to be a viewing area for the pit. Another torch lights and Gladiola can make out the familiar face of the old man from the laboratory.

What will you do?

From the pit's high wall a rope ladder flops over the side, hanging down to the dirt floor. Both heroes pick up the flasks from the ground, unstopping them and sniffing the contents. Sure enough, it's the same noxious stuff the scientist had used on Gladiola's previous wounds (although they smell a hint of something else -- mint? Possibly Fennel?), and they apply it appropriately, relieved to have their various bumps, bruises, gashes and gaping wounds sealing themselves as if they'd never happened. The internal aches and pains still call out with each movement, but this they can look past, and so with a glance and a shrug between each other they stride to the hanging ladder and climb up. When they reach the top they see that the pit is more of a coliseum, surrounded by row upon row of seats looking down at the show. "About time!" gripes the scientist as he begins to make his way away from the ladder, around the rim of the pit, quickly followed by "Now, next we'll need to determine exactly where the Barons are located at this time. You'll need to do some tracking for that, ranger. Once we know where they are you, my warrior friend, will need to challenge Barlocentus. He's the smallest of the Barons, so we'll need to find him first -- did I say that before? I'm sure I did. You defeat him while the ranger works his magics to...-" He has stopped and realizes that he stands alone. Behind him, beside the hanging ladder, Steve! and Gladiola sit in the first row of seats with their arms crossed over their chests and an expression of both mistrust and ill-will on their faces. "What are you doing sitting there? There are things you must do!"

"I'm sorry, but just when did we become a great, big, happy family?" asks Gladiola, standing as the old man draws near again. "Last I remember you were the douchebag who was jabbing us with needles and dropping us into pits full of 10-foot tall bugs and nasty-ass ogres!" At this point she is towering over him, imposing in both her comparative size and fiery rage. She grabs him by the lapels of his white coat and begins to push his back over the edge of the pit's wall, threatening to drop him onto his head.

Steve! comes to stand by Gladiola, leaning over the edge wall to bring his face close to the old man. "I think what my easily-angered, and recently much-pummeled, friend is trying to ask is: why should we listen to you about anything?"

Though he initially seemed not at all worried by these substantial warriors, as he scoots closer and closer to a great mashing of his head-area and subsequent painful maiming and death the old man's face pales and he panics. At last he calls out "Ask the Wizard! ASK THE WIZARD!!!"

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER EIGHT!

Chapter Six - Double Trouble

2009-05-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

Simultaneous Boss Fight! Choose your opponent and prepare to battle! Don't forget your shiny new boss powers.

"Dibs on the bug!" shouts Steve! as he shuttles around to that side of the pit, facing the oncoming onslaught. They slam their backs together, facing opposing foes and digging their heels into the dirt floor of the pit. The massive insect wheedles back and forth in his examination of his lunch, snapping his pincers menacingly. Steve! squints his eyes to shield them and spreads his hands wide at the beast; from the tips of his fingers flies a kaleidoscope of sparkling colors, flying at the face of the bug! 1D20=4. (crap) The giant insectoid is not distracted by the pathetic display 1d20=10 and lunges towards Steve! with one of its massive pincers. It catches him squarely on the arm and bites deeply. (Bug=1 Steve!=0)

The ground shakes with each step of the approaching behemoth and Gladiola feels smaller and smaller the closer he is. 'I need this battle to be over faster than slower.' she thinks to herself, and reaches down searching for something that feels... impressive. She finds a hard, heavy lump of dark energy sitting at her core and she rolls it out to her hand, manifesting itself as a black orb of swirling menace. Gladiola tosses it up in the air and it spreads wider, landing like a small kerchief across her hands. She tosses it skyward a few more times, and when it has become a black blanket of imposing doom she tosses it at the ogre's head. (dark omen attack) 1D20=15. The ill shroud cascades over the ogre enveloping him in bad tidings. He tries to swing his club at Gladiola 1d20=8, but doesn't even see the point. Depressed and melancholy, the ogre can feel hopelessness bite at his very heart (Ogre=0 Gladiola=1)

The smell of fresh blood excites the insectoid into a fever. Chattering and hissing it stares into Steve!'s eyes. It's antenna waving wildly it hypnotizes Steve! into a trance using it's mental powers. 1d20=14 Steve! misses one turn if bug wins battle. 1D20=12 (so close!) Though he knows in his head that he is in mortal danger, somehow Steve! finds himself sitting in a lovely field of colorful, aromatic flowers. Butterflies flutter by, one of them hovering right in his face. The sun is bright and warm overhead, and the faint strains of "Here Comes the Sun" can be heard trailing down from the heavens. Steve! has never been so peaceful and calm. So one with nature. So... happy. As he breaths in the joy of the moment a cute, furry squirrel comes gallumping up to him, his little nose sniffing at Steve!. "Hello little fellow!" he coos at the critter. Without any warning the squirrel hauls off and punches Steve! right in his junk, folding Steve! up into a little ball on the dirt floor of the pit. He remains on the ground, clutching his precious area, as the huge insect seems to chuckle viciously over his head. (no turn for Steve!. I sense this will hurt.)

It's future doomed, the ogre listlessly swings it mighty club once more at the dancing Gladiola 1d20-4=8 more out of something to do then trying to attack. Feeling ever so pleased with herself Gladiola enjoys the ogre's sorrow, and almost forgets to follow up with another killing blow. almost. 1D20=10 But seeing the value in capitalizing on the advantage she's found she calls to Steve! "I gotta move - don't fall over!" and dashes to her left. She rushes to the wall and follows it along the pit, building up speed as she circles the pit and even rushes behind Steve!'s buggy playmate. After her third time around she takes a hard right and rushes right toward the morose monster, leaping off her feet, fist-first, straight at his jaw. "Some have called me simply stunning! What thinks you?" she calls as she flies across the divide!

Her fist, now hard as iron, connects with the ogre's jaw with a cringe-worthy crunching sound. Three teeth fly out of his mouth on the other side and he is rocked back on his feet several steps. A small tear can be seen running down his cheek, though it is unclear if this is due to the punch or the remaining despair from the previous dark omen. Gladiola lands on her feet gracefully, dancing on the tips of her toes like a prize-fighter all "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee" with her bad self! The solid connection of her punch, though devastating on the ogre's dental work, seems to have also knocked the depression from him and he snorts angrily, heading back her way and smacking the palm of his hand with his massive club. "Cuh-Ruuussshhh Yooooooooo..." he growls as he comes.

"I see you have a toy, big boy." Gladiola responds, eyeing the club warily. "Me too." and as she pulls forth her hammer she ignites the internal flame and fire surrounds the weapon from handle to tip, neither burning it nor her hand. "Let's dance." she challenges, smiling, and she dashes forward, dropping to her knees at the last second with the aim of sliding through the ogre's legs, her flaming hammer aimed at his tender, fleshy knee. 1D20=19,+2 for flaming=21 Ogre Rage 1d20+5=18, -2 for being on fire =16 As the flaming hammer connects with the huge ogre's knee, the sound of bones splintering and tendons snapping rings out and echoes throughout the pit. As if the devastating injury wasn't enough, flames leap up and engulf the ogre's body. The now furious ogre screams and wails as fire dances up from his leg. He attempts to funnel his rage at the tiny foe, but the pain of the fire and his now broken knee are too much. His body tumbles to the ground as he steps to attack. Thankfully, the flames subside as the dirt from the floor extinguishes them. (Gladiola=3 Ogre=0)

The gigantic bug, its prey now mesmerized, lunges it's mandibles at Steve!'s stagnant body. As the jaws bite down, Steve! can feel the burning heat of poison surging into the wound. The pain jolts him out of his trance, only to find himself captured by the great creature's mouth. (Bug=3 Steve!=0) Steve!'s next attack is -1 due to poison. Wrestling his way free somehow, Steve! dashes away from the insect trying to regroup.

The mighty ogre attempts to stand again. Wobbly, but not defeated, he rises. His fury erupts and he smashes his club into the floor causing shockwaves to ripple throughout the pit. Turning towards Gladiola he swings his club like Babe Ruth laying into a homerun 1d20=20. The thunder from his outburst seems to have caught Gladiola off guard, as he connects perfectly. Her body goes flying across the room as if thrown like a limp ragdoll. The flight would have been quite magnificent and lengthy had it not been for the surrounding walls. As it stands, she connects with the stone wall in a horrifying thud and slides down. (Gladiola=3 Ogre=1)

Gladiola doesn't know how long the thick, black blanket of nothingness has been wrapped around her head. She knows her eyes are open, and she can barely make out the form, the very LARGE and very BLURRY form, of something bearing down on her, albeit with a pronounced limp. She rolls over, now on all fours, and crawls shakily along the wall, only motivated by the need to get AWAY from her current position. As the fuzz begins to clear she realizes that she is seconds away from the second inning of Ogre Baseball and needs to MOVE. Pulling herself up to her feet she lashes out randomly with her hammer, but her focus is on trying to reach out with her mind and grasp hold of whatever mind-like-thing the ogre is using. She continues to flail with her hammer, keeping the beast at bay, as she feels around psychically for anything to grab and squeeze... 1D20=1

The great ogre laughs as he approaches the foggy headed warrior. "Thag hurt you good!" Gladiola is still visibly shaken from her aerial trip across the pit and can't mount a suitable defense. The wounded ogre limps over to her clamoring body and seeing that his prey is stunned, once more prepares to take a swing. 1d20=15 The ogre's club comes crashing down square into the middle of her back, knocking what little wind she had left into oblivion. (Gladiola=3 Ogre=2)

It's extremely hard to find someplace to regroup when trapped in a big, empty hole. Steve! reaches one of the open doorways imbedded into the wall and leans on it, clearing out the last of the pretty flowers and lovely clouds from his head. His opponent is taking its time reaching him, so confident is it that Steve!'s end is nigh. Finding no cover, no barrier, no respite of any kind he decides what he needs is a proper distraction, and what better than a goblin to provide just that? From his pounding heart Steve! sends a call for assistance to a goblin friend. 1D20=3 -1 for poison =2 (apparently the bug might not be wrong about Steve!'s chances.)

The bug is now in a fever. Having tasted Steve's blood and smelling his fear, the giant insectoid pounces on the helpless ranger. Its claws lunge and snap as it tries to rip Steve! apart. 1d20=11 Steve!'s delicate flesh is sliced again and again under the beast's relentless assault. (Bug=4 Steve!=0) As he can feel pouring from his many wounds, he catches the glimmer of a ethereal portal appearing behind the bug. A small goblin warrior comes through and sets his sights on the giant insect ~~1d20-8=-5.~~ Actually you should roll the goblin's attack. It's at -8 remember and the bug rolled a 11. As a side note, you can continue to summon as many goblins as you wish and for each additional one they all gain a +1 Okee-dokey! 1D20=10-8=2 Unfortunately for Steve!, the puny sword of the goblin is no match for the armored carapace of the giant foe. The great bug ignores the pathetic attack, not even taking the time to swat away the pest.

As she blows the dirt from her nose Gladiola boggles at how the tide of her battle has turned. She arches her back with a 'crack!' to bend it back the other direction (and is relieved to find that it still MOVES). Thag looms over her, chuckling, and she knows she needs to get away from this moment. Pushing past the screams from her smashed spine she crawls between the ogre's legs and, once behind him, scrambles to the far side of the pit. She is barely able to notice, out of the corner of her eye, that Steve! seems to be faring much the same.

On the opposite wall she splats her back flat against it and takes a deep breath. It's taken only a minute for Thag to figure out to where scurried and shift targets after her, and here he comes. Once more she pulls up the lump of dark energy from her core, spinning it larger and larger over her head. If only that ringing between her ears would stop! As the ogre reaches about half-way across the pit she lets the blanket of darkness fly! 1D20=2. Still disoriented from the severe beatings she has taken, something doesn't feel right as she tries to hurl the dark omen. The hopelessness barely frees itself from her hands before crashing down on her already exhausted shoulders. She begins to feel all hope of survival slip from her grasp. Attempting to cheat the reaper is a futile act and just prolonging her suffering. Maybe the reign of Malgamamarsh won't be so bad, what's the point in fighting it anyway. Seeing his adversary fumbling and tripping, the ogre slows his assault. "Does Thag's club hurt? I crush with foot instead!" The giant takes the best leap he can with the state of his knee and comes crashing down. 1d20=16 His heel catches Gladiola in her shoulder and pins her to the ground. His massive head inches closer to her face as she wriggles beneath his weight. "Thag float like butterfly too." (Gladiola=3 Ogre=3)

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER SIX!

Chapter Five - Blinded with Science

2009-05-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

The final danger neutralized, Steve! crosses to his partner and shakes her back to consciousness. As she sits up the now familiar voice of The Wizard echoes in both Steve! and Gladiola's heads, "Well done. Your skills have improved. I believe you are ready for the next challenge. But first, as a reward I will answer one question."

Gladiola and Steve! exchange glances before Gladiola speaks, "What is this prophecy..."

"Not that question, choose another."

"Who are..."

"No that one either."

"Where should..."

"Ha na na na, shush. You don't seem to be able to ask a simple question so I will just give you the answer. It is eleven pineapples. Eleven pineapples. Wait, is that right...let me check just a second...no that is correct, eleven pineapples. Now enjoy the new powers I have bestowed upon you for battling the toughest of foes. Continue to be excellent."

The dining hall begins to fill will the stench of death. Not too vile yet were it not for the beheaded troll. Suddenly, there are voices heard coming from the hallway. Gladiola looks around the room at the carnage. Scorched bodies of soldiers, foaming poisoned bogling corpses, buckets of blood and great gaps in the floor from emerging trolls and vines. This would not be easily explainable. Steve! and her rush to the corner, out of sight of the main door. Gladiola's back starts to feel warm as it presses against a tapestry. She notices that the bagged gem stolen from the soldier corpse has also begun to glow. Steve! pulls back the tapestry to reveal a glowing green line forming what looks like a door way in the stone. Where the knob would be, there is a writing similar to the runes on the gem.

What will you do?

Still shaking the cobwebs from her fuzzy brain Gladiola grabs the gem from the pouch about her neck and places it where the knob should be, matching words to words. As she hopes, the door-shape falls back into the wall, and then slides to the left, revealing a low-ceilinged tunnel running even further down into the bowels of the dungeon. Though the light is dim and they cannot see the other end, this still looks to be the better option to the impending rush of enemy soldiers. First Gladiola and then Steve! slip through the door and as if by their command the hole closes back up behind them. They can just barely hear the sounds of voices through the rock as the room behind them fills with cries of alarm and vows of bloody revenge!

Once in the passageway the two sit down against the damp wall and take a moment. "Do you still have the sunrune?" she asks her fellow adventurer, and Steve! produces light from his pocket. The glow shows them only that the passageway turns tightly 10 feet from their position, and that the walls and ceiling are coated in dripping moss and other damp growth. After a few more moments collecting themselves Steve! stands (hunched over slightly) and gestures down the path with a "shall we?" motion. The two head deeper into danger.

The tunnel goes on and on, turning often. At first they try to keep track of where they might be in relation to the banquet room, but finally they concede they are totally lost, with only the options of following to the end or returning from whence they came to see if the banquet room could be abandoned. They continue forward. AT last, after what seems over an hour, they hear very faint sounds coming from one of the walls. They feel around with their hands but no door is found. Gladiola pulls the gem from its pouch again and runs it, in the palm of her hand, along the wall. The form of a door begins to outline in green, growing more vibrant as her hand approaches. When the gem is touching the door edge it glows a vibrant green in the blackness and the "knob" is once again visible. Though the sounds give no clear indicator of what lies beyond, they are wearing of this moleish existence and seek LIGHT. And so they place the gem in its space and the door slides back to them...

The enter what looks like a dank and dimly lit laboratory. Bubbling flasks and glowing gems are scattered about the various tables and shelves.

"Close the door you idiots!" a voice booms from the back and them descends into murmurs, "damn fools always meddling in my affairs. Why can't they just leave me to my research. If you want the power to control all, it's going to require absolute and...UNINTERRUPTED...concentration."

A gnarled and very stained robed man emerges from behind a large bookcase. He has glasses and a unkempt gray beard. "What do you want now? Oh look at this, your bleeding all over the place. This is not a hospital you know." He disappears once more behind the bookcase only to emerge a minute later with a purple flask. Grabbing Gladiola by the shoulder, he pours some of its contents over her wounds. The putrid smelling liquid flows into her wounds and they begin to reform into her original condition. "Ever seen a troll get cut? Amazing creatures, but smell horrible. Not an easy task to get a hold of their juices. Now that should keep you from further messing of my quarters. Just because you've imprisoned me and forced me to do your bidding doesn't mean I should have to live with your fluids everywhere. I suppose you've come looking for the results from the tests on the folks from the prophecy is that it? I've not finished with the new crystals if that's what your here for." Picking up some scrolls from one of the tables he hands them to Steve! "Now was there anything else?"

Steve! takes the scrolls with a swagger. "Well, it's about damned time, old man!" he blusters, sliding the scrolls back behind him to Gladiola. Following his lead, she begins to open them, scanning for any information that is recognizable while Steve! continues to provide distraction. He stands as large as he can, preparing to make a big show of the delay in the reports, but abruptly the old man turns his back on them both and returns to his work, his back so hunched that his head hovers only inches over the crystal on which he currently focuses. Momentarily they realize that they need not be too sneaky, so absorbed is the old man with his work, and they slide back to the other side of the room and spread the first of the scrolls out over a bare table. Gladiola places the green gem at the top of the sheet to keep it flat.

Before them is a list of scientific lines and grids, much of it stating conclusions that are lost to them both. But here and there they find information they understand. The second scroll that they open is titled "Female, possibly dragonborne". On the list they identify three points of information: that she is older than she appears; that she is not new to this fortress and that she has had some level of surgical treatments in the past. On the report that summarizes Steve!'s information they learn that he is related to another being held in the fortress; that he may not be originally from this reality and that he is very allergic to cats. (seriously, no joke. Super-allergic.) Their past a blank slate as they are, these bits of information provide at least an inkling of who they are and where they come from.

"Dang. I like cats." Steve! states sadly. Gladiola pats him on the back supportively.

As they roll up the scrolls and prepare to slide out the lab doorway Gladiola reaches for her green gem to find it gone. Looking to her side she's surprised to find the ancient scientist standing right beside her, so stealthy had been his approach! He holds the gem in his hand and peers at it through a telescopic eyepiece strapped to his head. "Where did you get this?" he asks, turning it over and over under the gaze, "You administrative types aren't supposed to carry these stones. These stones are for upper echelon military. Where did you get this?" he asks again, giving them the first good look-over since they emerged from the tunnel.

"How dare you question us!" blusters Steve!, grabbing the gem back from him. "Get back to your work, old man! You're behind enough as it is!" To his amazement the professor snaps the gem back from his hand with dramatic speed and, with his other hand, jams a syringe into Steve!'s shoulder. The world around him disappears with a 'Pop!' and Steve! crashes to the floor out cold. So fast has the tide turned that Gladiola is left flat-footed. The old man has zipped from his previous spot around to the other side of the table and begins to grab up the scrolls. She manages to clutch back the two summarizing their information, cram them behind her chest plate, grab-up Steve!'s limp form and throw it over her shoulder, booking for the door just ahead of the cries of alarm of the scientist.

"Wait, stop, where are you going!" The old man reaches for a yellow gem sitting in a wooden holder and smashes it on the floor. The green outline of the door the adventurers entered disappears. Gladiola slams on the stone wall, but there is no sign of the door. As she turns, the old man is already upon her. The chill of a steel needle pierces her arm as she feels her legs collapse from beneath her. They awaken to find themselves in some sort of pit. The walls are smooth and vertical. Steve! notices two iron doors on either side of the chamber. They are cagelike with torches on either side of them. Just as they recollect themselves and shake the cobwebs from their foggy skulls, there is a great creaking and moaning as the doors raise. The adventurers run to the center of the pit. Out from one door comes a huge ogre clad in leather with a large club. From the other emerges a large insect like creature. It has giant pincers and many legs. Both rush at the center of the chamber.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER SIX!

Chapter Four - Big Boss Battle

2009-04-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

"What is this ruckus? Did your not hear the command to return to the barracks?" One of the crimson robed figures returns to the hall. "So... you were right here all along. I heard you dispatched Fionaming. You must be powerful indeed. Let's see how you handle a lieutenant of the Crimson Guard!" He brushes back his robe and calls out a summoning spell, "Ezerharden Tomanix!" A black shield with a crimson octagon appears in his left hand, a gleaming sword with jagged teeth along one side appears in his right. "It is you I challenge", he points to Gladiola. "Your friend will have to wait" Waving his hand, and murmuring an arcane phrase, the floor opens and out leaps a large mountain troll. The troll immediately rushes at Steve!.

Boss Battle! You must match blows with the lieutenant if you are to survive. Roll a 1d20 for every attack and it will be compared to the lieutenant's roll. Whomever wins 5 contests first shall emerge victorious.

Gladiola stands at the ready, facing the lieutenant full on, although she allows her peripheral vision to track the troll until he is out of sight. "I'm sure my friend will be happy to dance with your date," she smiles, tossing her hammer from left hand to right, "while you and I come to an... understanding." The pair pace the floor in a large semi-circle, matching step for step and scanning for any weakness to be exploited. Finally Gladiola's lack of patience pushes her to take the first strike! She leaps forward, using a power with which she is becoming comfortable in hopes to keep missteps to a minimum, and slams down on her opponent with great might, yelling "DEATH STORM!" 1D20=10 The lieutenant moves his shield to counter the vicious attack 1d20=6, but he can't withstand the flurry of blows. Several connect with his shoulder and ribs, knocking the wind from him. (Gladiola=1 lieutenant=0)

Steve! grimaces as the troll lumbers forth, blocking his access to lend Gladiola a hand. He dodges left, then right, but both moves are immediately blocked by the beastie, who seems to gather speed when in battle that belies his size. "Fine." Steve! finally resigns himself to the battle at hand, "if you must interfere I'll make you regret the choice one thousand fold!" Steve! pulls his hands, shaped like claws down before him and allows the electricity to build in bright blue arcs between them. As his eyes also begin to spark with blue energy Steve! turns his hands out to face the troll, lightening striking him as if by Zeus himself! 1D20=14 The bolts of energy pierce through the trolls skin, burning and shocking him. He convulses with pain and agony as sparks fly from his every orifice. He falls to his knees as the onslaught ceases. Then Steve! watches as the wounds on the great beast begin to close. The flesh oozing together and reforming. It stands and recommences its assault.

The lieutenant leaps back and recollects himself. Gripping his sword tightly he dashes towards Gladiola, pivots on one foot, and brings his sword around to attack her flank 1d20=6 1D20=17 At the last possible second Gladiola sees the blow flying at her side and manages to leap back, the sword slicing the air a hair's breadth from her armor. As her feet land she bounces off of the wall behind her, rushing back at the Crimson Guard soldier with her hammer swinging back and forth before her. "I know not what authority you use to attack us, red menace, but my Hammer of Justice will teach you the meanings of right and wrong!" So let’s apply this attack to the previous contest and the following dice roll to the next one As Gladiola brings her hammer back, a ghostly figure surrounds it. Robed and pointing a finger directly at the evil soul, it drops the hammer like an ethereal gavel passing judgment over his wrongdoings. The blow lands squarely in his chest and knocks him the floor. The sounds of his armor giving way are heard and great cracks in the chest plate can be seen. (Gladiola=2 lieutenant=0)

"OK, I didn't expect that..." Steve! steps back a pace or two as the mortally wounded monster advances, injury-free. "I see that you come with a trick or two of your own, eh beastie?" he sidles left, hoping to slow the battle with chatter. The troll clearly is not much for conversation, and moves forward quickly. Steve! jumps back, drawing on a new energy that has begun to grow within him recently. Back-peddling further, he draws forth the energy and as he pulls with his mind green pods begin to poke up through the cracks between the floor stones. Small at first, the vines become thicker as they pour forth through the ground and they reach around in the air, wrapping their tendrils around every bit of the troll that they can reach. Their individual strength may be weak, but as more and more vines rush forth, some now cracking the cobblestones and bursting from their heart, they form a mass of bonds dragging the troll to a standstill. 1D20=14

The troll curses and hisses as it struggles against the ever increasing vines. Steve! stands and crosses his arms quite pleased with himself. "Check that out." As he looks closer, he notices that the vines encroachment seems to be progressing rather quickly. His inexperience with his new power has shown itself as the swarming tendrils begin to slither towards him.

Steve! backs up a little, worrying that there is only a little space between he and the vines heading his way. He places one hand on the wall at his back, the other palm-out facing his run-away garden, and he reaches for the energy he had used to summon the vines. "Back," he commands, following with "Stop. Cease. Halt! Quit? Cut it out! Hang on, haf-a-mo, WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY TO GET YOU TO STAY!"

Suddenly the vines stop. Their growth hindered, though, also steals them of their energy and the binds begin to fall limp around the troll. Preparing for what comes next, Steve! pulls out his bow once again and aims it at the monster. "You have to have some sort of weakness..." he mutters as he lets loose with a poison arrow. 1D20=15 The arrow strikes the troll dead center in the chest. It's pale green skin can be seen to turn blue on the surrounding tissue. Streaks of the wicked concoction dart out from the wound as the monster begins to show signs of weakness. It clumsily slashes away at Steve! with its large claws, as it seems to be gasping for air.

Confidence rushes through Gladiola with each successful strike. So much confidence that she lets herself get cocky. She grabs up her hammer and brings it down again dead center on the soldier's armor, seeking to break it clean through, sure that she can complete what the hammer of justice has begun. 1D20=6 (uh oh) 1d20=17 The lieutenant brings his shield around and catches the forceful attack. Seeing his opponent overextended, he sweeps his leg around and catches Gladiola in the back of the knee. Unprepared for the blow, she crumbles. The lieutenant brings his sword around as he leaps to his feet, and connects with the defenseless warrior. (Gladiola=2 lieutenant=1)

She feels her skin break apart under the swords attack and curses herself silently for the hubris that has brought her to her back. Above her the lieutenant prepares for another attack, holding an obvious advantage over her. As her blood attempts to escape through the gash in her side, she pulls up her feet and brings both feet crashing into his knees! Simultaneously she swings her hammer up, holding handle in one hand and head in the other, planning to block the path of his next sword strike. 1D20=13 1d20=6 The mighty lieutenant's legs crumble beneath him as his knees give way to the dastardly assault. He attempts to bring his sword with him as his body crashes down, but it is stopped by the well placed handle of the warrior cleric's hammer. (Gladiola=3 lieutenant=1)

Meanwhile, blue streaks are zipping over the surface of the troll's green skin, definitely taking its toll. However the impact of the poison, while successful, is also slow. The troll gasps, but doesn't stop advancing in Steve!'s direction. As he prepares another volley from his mystical bow he mutters under his breath and sneaks a quick glare at the member of the Crimson Guard. "I will say this: you do have some particularly troublesome pets..." a troll arm whizzes within inches of Steve!'s head, bringing him back to his situation, and he slides to the side and lets a hail of arrows loose at the arm's owner. "Down, boy!" he shouts after them. 1D20=8. The mass of arrows pierce the troll over and over leaving him looking like a giant ravenous evil pincushion. The creatures advance however, does not cease. Wheezing from the surges of poison in his veins, his anger only seems to grow and urge him on.

Battered and in a disadvantageous position, the lieutenant resorts to what all the men in his position have been taught to do. Fight dirty. Sliding his off hand down his leg, it finds a small sheath containing a jagged dagger. He quickly pulls it and jabs toward Gladiola's side 1d20=15 1D20=2 The dagger sinks deep and jaggedy into her waist, a sharp cry her response! She rolls away from the soldier's second poke slapping her hand over the gash, holding in anything she might want to keep for later (spleen, liver, what-have-you) and cursing the dirty shot. As she clambers unsteadily to her feet, leaning heavily on the nearest wall, she relishes in the vision of her opponent holding his knees in pain. "Such a gentleman." she curses at him. "Your mama must be so proud."

"What makes my mother proud," he curses back, also climbing to his feet, "is when I am triumphant."

"Yeah? Well, triumph THIS!" she responds back, pushing off from the wall and spinning her hammer over her head, a windmill of momentum, finally letting it fly directly at the lieutenant's big, fat head! 1D20=5 The lieutenant laughs at the off balance and unremarkable assault. Preparing to dodge the heavy hammer and return the attack with his trusty sword, he chooses instead to grab it from the air. He steps forward 1d20=1, but completely forgets the extreme damage to his knees. The momentary lapse of concentration from the strike of pain shooting like a lightning bolt up his leg, causes him to take the hammer squarely in the forehead. The sound of his great nose cracking and spewing blood turns Gladiola's stomach. The great warrior can't tell which hurts worse. The pulp and fluids that used to be his face, or knowing that his own overconfidence and stupidity caused it. (Gladiola=4 lieutenant=2)

The lieutenant roars in anger. Near death, he summons his remaining strength and charges at Gladiola. His sword draws back over his head as he lays into the warrior cleric, blood streams trailing behind him as he runs. 1d20=18 1D20=5 Her choice to fling her hammer, which seemed like such a good one when it made glorious contact with his face, turns out to leave her weaponless as in the face of his assault. Seeing no other course of action, Gladiola roars as well and rushes at the lieutenant, aiming her shoulder at his mid-section. Sadly, his sword's reach much exceeding her shoulder's, she feels the crushing blow of the blade come down on her back long before she reaches him. The armor absorbs some of the damage, but she feels the sharp touch of steel cut through the center of her back's armor and her skin, the hard impact driving her flat to the floor.

Steve! decides that survival is the better part of valor and turns to run, following the walls of the almost round room to get proper DISTANCE between he and the troll. "At least he's slow." he mutters as he steps behind one of the massive banquet tables, making sure to position the troll on the OTHER side. In far less time then he would have expected his pursuer reaches the table, slashing across the surface in an attempt to grab Steve!'s head and crush it like a fortune cookie. With the tiny bit of breathing room provided by the barrier he considers all the options available to him. "Maybe what I need is a little help." he ponders, pulling his amulet again from his chest and blowing through the hole at one end. The amulet sings like a wooden flute, a high note in a minor, haunting key. In a distant bog some boglings pack bags and head out... 1D20=13

From seemingly every crevice and opening, pour out small creatures. They look like a mixture of gremlin and goblin, with perhaps a dash of lizard. They quickly surround the troll and begin to tear at him. Every piece they rip off seems to slowly re-grow. The troll trashes about, trying to smack away the horde of ravenous monsters. Screaming in pain he dances around the room, seemingly no longer interested in trying to attack Steve!...at least for the moment. But a moment is enough, and as the boglings keep the troll distracted from Steve! he combines two powers in his bowels (ewww!) and sends a hail of poisoned arrows into the troll. With any luck the rush of poison to his system will finally bring the behemoth to a stop. ummm...dice roll...anyone...dice roll? 1D20=1 (now I know why I subconsciously didn't want to roll.) The two magics swirl and mix and let loose a rainstorm of poison death. Cascading down around the troll, they strike each and every one of the boglings. They begin to wretch and wail as one by one they fall. Some have foam streaming from their mouths, some great torrents of unknown fluids from their eyes and ears. Others seem to pop open as they scream "Why...why have you done this master?" The troll grabs a few of the less gooey corpses and drops them in his gaping mouth. The added nourishment seems to speed the healing of his many wounds. His attention returns to Steve!.

The success of his last assault invigorates the lieutenant. He licks the blood from the edge of his blade while a devilish smile can barely be made out across he smashed face. "How sweet. I want some more!" He spins around trying to catch the adventurer with another strike. 1d20=3 1D20=14 If he had not been so brash in his follow-through he might have dealt a fatal blow. However Gladiola, though blind with pain from her jarred and scarred back, manages to reach out with her arms and find... ankles. Weak, spindly little girl ankles, just sitting there, daring her to abuse them. And so abuse them she does. She wraps her strong hands one around each ankle and rolls to the left, hearing the gratifying 'snap!' of puny bones in her hands. The soldier's sword crashes down into the stone floor, sending stone chips flying, and he screams in agony as his legs refuse to support his weight a moment more! The evil dagger he so treacherously used before falls from his other hand, its handle getting caught between the gap of the stones in the floor. As his legs give way, his tremendous heavy head plummets directly on the jagged blade and it drives straight into his skull. He body quivers a few times before lying still. (Victory Gladiola!)

Steve! stands facing a pile of massacred helpful bogglings and a rejuvenated, even cheery troll. Feeling like he's running out of energy and ideas, he pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers, wracking his poor, sad brain.

"Need a hand?"

There, as if the answer to his prayers, stands Gladiola! She's holding her back with one hand, her side with another (with blood leaking through her fingers), and her hammer hanging from its strap around her wrist. But she's there, and she could make the difference in this never-ending battle against this DAMNED troll! She sees the relief in his eyes and she stands up straight, focusing her mind like a scalpel and aiming it at the mind of the troll to take control. 1D20=2

One would think, as did Gladiola, that a troll would be an easy beast to manage, mind-control-wise. Unfortunately controlling the large, slow, thick mind of a troll is akin to pushing a huge boulder up a steep incline. With your head. As she reaches out to seize control of the beast with her thoughts and pushes against the brick wall of his psyche it is the last straw for her already over-taxed system. Steve! smiles as he sees her take action, but that smile evaporates as her eyes roll up into the back of her skull and down she goes like a dropped sack of potatoes.

"Balls." he mutters, re-grouping once again. Luck throws him a bone by stymieing the troll briefly as it responds to the feeling of a stranger's hand wrapping around its brain for but a second, and in that second Steve! leaps back into action, pulling his final Hail Mary pass from his hip pocket in the form of his 'trick shot' talisman. He hangs it from the tip of his bow, aims at the heart of the monster as it resumes its unstoppable pursuit, and fires. 1D20=14 Despite the straight shot and the close proximity the arrow still manages to be caught by a gust of wind and sent wildly off course, eventually rebounding off of the shield of the now-dead lieutenant. It flies at the far corner, ricocheting off each wall and back into the air, having lost no momentum. Suddenly a soldier rushes into the room to find out what has become of his lieutenant. He sees the room destroyed, the bones of his fellow soldiers, the body of the Crimson Guard and he draws his immense battle axe from his belt, raising it high and aiming at Steve!'s head! Sadly for him he has stopped directly in the path of the rushing arrow, and as it slams into him with a sick "thud" his axe flies from his hand with all the rage but none of the aim of his intention, and instead of hitting Steve! the axe slides cleanly between the troll's head and shoulders. A large, thick troll head lands in Steve!'s hands, staring at him stupidly, as the rest of the body gradually flops over on to the floor finally, FINALLY dead.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER FIVE!

Chapter Three - Supper Time!

2009-04-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

What will you do?

The pair stand in the now empty room, scattered here with minor bits of left-over dust and one silver key. They exchange perplexed glances, and then Steve! crosses and retrieves the key and chain, hanging it around his neck. Gladiola nods in approval, looks around once more and asks "Well, shall we get out of here?"

Walking through the open doorway, the broken door hanging from mangled hinges, the two find a landing leading to a staircase disappearing around a corner. They begin to descend...

Gladiola begins to hear faint whispers coming from below as they go deeper in to the bowels of the manor. As she looks up to see where they come from, she sees nothing before the spiral stairway bends out of view. The whispers grow louder and then a rumbling sound follows. The rumbling becomes a thunder as she sees a large round boulder bounding down the stairs after them.

"Steve!! RRRUUUUUNNNNN!!

The adventurers fly down the stairs and quickly come to their end at a landing. It is a small room with two doors. One open to a hallway, one closed with a small keyhole right in the center.

What will you do?

Steve! bounds to the locked door and jams the silver key into the centrally-located lock. "It won't turn!" he yells to his companion over the ever-growing din of the incoming boulder. "Into the other room! QUICK!" The two leap through the open doorway seconds before the boulder smashes into the door, the stone door jamb barely containing it's momentum. They land ungracefully on their faces and take a moment or two to collect themselves before looking back to behold the boulder, crammed tightly in the open doorway, with dust and stone powder gently descending through the air.

"Are you unharmed?" asks Gladiola, picking herself up and offering a hand to her chum. He politely waves it away and heaves himself to standing, nodding that he is fine. The hallway is dimly lit by a torch near the doorway which has miraculously stayed burning despite the rush of air from the boulder. However the other end of the hallway recedes into black. The two share another "what else are we going to do?" glance before Gladiola removes the torch from its holder and they begin to head towards the end of the hallway.

As it turns out, the hallway is more of a tunnel, going on for some time before coming to an end with another set of doors.

Steve! opens the left door and they both step through to find themselves in a small room. There are two doors. One open to a hallway, one closed with a small keyhole right in the center. As they look behind them, the doorway they stepped through is now gone without a trace. They both start to feel mildly ill.

What will you do?

Again Steve! slides his silver key into the door on the right. He looks back at Gladiola, who gives him a hopeful 'thumbs-up!', then looks back to the door and turns the key.

'click!'

As the key does its job, the door swings slowly, and silently, open. From inside comes a symphony of savory smells. Meats, breads, desserts... Neither Steve! nor Gladiola can remember the last time they had something to eat or drink, so the olfactory attack on their senses makes their heads swim. They step into the room and find tables piled high with the greatest assortment of amazing foods and fabulous ales that either had ever seen! The two of them stand together, taking in the feast, but finally they can resist no longer and dive forward, feeding ravenously on whatever they can put their hands on.

As the two gorge themselves on all manners of delicious things, they begin to hear a conversation approaching. Suddenly, a pair of servants come through the archway that leads to the kitchen. One holds jugs of wine, while the other has a large cake. They seem shocked to find the adventurers feasting and stand for a moment frozen and aghast.

The large male holding the cake speaks up, "Who are you? How did you get in here?"

The female drops a jug of wine and begins to turn to run.

In a blink of an eye, time stops for Steve!. He can't move his eyes, but can see everything frozen in place. As he stands confused, unable to move or speak, he hears the voice of The Wizard in his head.

"Doesn't that man look to be about the same size as you? And that woman, she's about Gladiola's size isn't she?"

Instantly time begins again.

What will you do?

"Oh, good!" pipes up Steve!, "You're here at last! We were thinking we'd been forgotten. Come over to this side, will you?" he asks, gesturing nonchalantly. The servants stop and look from the intruders to each other and back, obviously confused. "Well?" Steve! continues. "What are you waiting for? You ARE the servants sent to get the next courses for the feast, are you not?" The servants nod slowly. "Well alright then, get over here! We've tasted several of the possible items and can verify that there is no poison, and we would recommend the turkey legs, the apple flambé, the greens with gravy..." Steve! continues to wave his hands confidently over various dishes from which he's sampled, and Gladiola, having finally caught on to his gamble, follows his lead. The servants, swayed by the confident nature and bold manner of these strangers, wander to their side of the table to begin gathering the next dishes for serving.

No sooner have the servants come close to our heroes then they are unconscious, naked and shoved under the tables, hidden by the heavy canvas table coverings. Steve! and Gladiola finish adjusting their slave garb but realize there is no place for them to hide their weapons.

"I guess we'd better get the hang of these new powers fast, eh?" mutters Gladiola as she begrudgingly hides her hammer in a cranny by the open doorway. Steve! slides his bow in a crevice above the door. They both grab the sharpest kitchen knives the tables have to offer, as well as a few of the dishes they'd not yet had a chance to disturb, and head down the back hallway from whence the servants had come.

A large entourage begins to turn the corner and make its way toward the dining room. They are a mixture of large humanoid creatures, most clad in armor and with assorted weapons. A few possess crimson robes that cover their forms. Spotted by the group, Steve! and Gladiola make their way back to the dining hall. The group talks amongst each other and Steve! can make out a few of the conversations.

"Did you hear that the ones from the prophecy have come to the Fortress of Ultimate Sorrow(tm)?"

"Yes, but it is of no worry. I heard that Lord Malgamamarsh sent Fionaming after them. They're probably already dead, perhaps even part of the feast."

"But what of the prophecy? Shouldn't we be on our guard?"

"They can't reach us here. They would have to avoid the boulder trap, make it through the enchanted time tunnel, and then have one of the mystical keys. I think that's highly unlikely."

A particularly brutish fellow motions toward Gladiola, "You there! Bring us some more wine slave girl!"

"The Barons should be arriving soon, be on your manners."

Congratulations! You've made it to level 2. Check out your new powers on the M.E.A.T. power sheet

What will you do?

This group enters the dining hall and takes seats at many of the food-laden banquet tables. Gladiola brings one of the wine jugs to those who demanded it, along with a handful of pewter goblets. As she shares the libations, Steve! places the food he's carrying back down on the table, slyly rearranging those dishes that they'd already decimated. He sees a hand peeking out from under the table cloth and kicks it back into hiding. More armor-clad and robed men-things begin to pour into the room, and within a few there is a party atmosphere in full swing. Steve! and Gladiola are kept extremely busy, running from barked demand to barked demand, although they're careful to scarf down more bits of food as they work. (because how could one power the new, excellent level 2 powers w/out fuel, right?)

As Gladiola scurries to another table with a full wine jug she crosses in front of the dining hall door and nearly barrels into 5 powerful figures just entering the room. She maintains her disguise, apologizing profusely with head bowed and rushes to her waiting customer, but as she looks behind her she sees that these new guests are very different from those already seated. Sure enough, at a sharp call from the last to enter the entire room falls silent and every seated man leaps to attention at table side. Once they are given their due, the men enter and take over completely the head table which has been left empty thus far. These new figures exude both power and danger, and they seem to be able to see all in the room at once. Steve! and Gladiola hope that their roles of servants will make them as invisible to these newcomers as they have been to all the others. Finally the imposing group takes their seat, and in response the Master of the Guard yells a new command and the rest of the room seats themselves as well.

One of the smaller underlings who is particularly ugly whispers to his neighbor, "The Barons seem most displeased this evening. Perhaps their panties are fitting too tightly, tee hee hee!"

One of the Barons turns his head from his meal toward the inconsiderate knave. He rises from his seat and points his open hand toward him. He then clenches it slowly as if some unseen object was grasped within it. The giggling whelp begins to clutch his head and wince in pain. He stands and begins to shriek as his skull collapses. His lifeless corpse falls to the floor and the Baron retakes his seat. It would seem that rudeness will not be tolerated. Gladiola catches sight of a green octagonal gem glimmering in the candlelight as it pokes out of a pouch around the now dead diners neck. A quick survey of the room shows similar pouches around the necks of all the seated warriors.

"Clean up that mess." the Master of the Guard booms.

What will you do?

Gladiola rushes to the sloppy, gooey mess that was once Mr. Clever-bottoms, grabbing his ankles and dragging him down the hallway toward the kitchens, leaving a red streak in her wake. Once she reaches the kitchens, seeing no obvious place to leave such a site, she shoves the body into one of the over-large sink troughs, but is careful to remove the pouch with the gem before dropping his top half. She removes the green gem and examines it closely. Nearly the size of a plum, the gem is fairly flat and faceted-cut. The front reflects light brilliantly, but she notices that there are words carved all down the gems flat back. The words are in a language she's never seen before.

She knows that the pouch will arouse suspicion if she hangs it around her barren, slave girl neck. Instead she slips the pouch with gem inside into her armor undergarments, the stiff protection of which hides beneath the servant gown. She grabs 2-3 damp rags from the non-soiled sink and begins to wipe up the blood and gore that has followed her down the hallway, until at last she has returned to the banquet hall. The overall merriment of the room has increased, with a few of the larger, more decorated soldier-types entertaining their men with tricks such as balancing a sword on their armored head or setting their hand on fire.

As she enters the room, she sees Steve! grab a goblet of ale and a torch. She moves toward him, worried that his bold moves will anger the room, but before she can reach him a fountain of fire bursts forth from his mouth! The room falls silent for a moment, and Steve! takes this opportunity to repeat the trick, holding the fountain a few seconds longer this time. He stands, his mouth now empty of wine, and scans the room for reaction.

At last, one of the Barons begins a slow but sincere clap. The rest of the room follows his lead and within a moment the room has erupted into applause and cheers for more. Steve! daintily curtsies and turns to Gladiola, giving a wink. He then drops three round fruits into a bowl, dousing them with cooking wine and setting them ablaze as well. Guarding his hands ever so slightly with a fine layer of his own fireball flames, to protect the palms from scorching, Steve! takes the fruit one by one and juggles them jauntily to the giddy enjoyment of the crowd.

One of the Barons begins to laugh heartily, "Ha ha, these servants amuse me! I can't wait to rape and kill them!"

"You are right Istholden, these ones do look especially ripe for a good raping."

Just then a large raven comes flying in to the room and lands on one of the Baron's shoulder. It leans its head towards his ear and appears to be speaking. It then flies away in the same direction it came from.

"The prisoners have escaped! Quickly return to the barracks and ready yourselves!" The Barons rise and stomp out of the dining hall. The others follow hastily, dropping their food and goblets where they may. All except a few stragglers who remain behind.

"This feast isn't over till I've had me a servant." one of the brutes chimes in eyeballing Gladiola. They quickly descend on her and begin to rip at her clothing. Her magical armor revealed, they leap back.

"You! It cannot be!"

They draw swords from their backs and make ready to battle the adventurers.

What will you do?

With all of their focus on Gladiola and her true nature, the guards have briefly lost focus on Steve!. Using that to his advantage, he silently slides his bow from its hiding spot above the doorway toward the kitchen. "Good sirs!" he calls, lining up his magical arrow and channeling his inner frenzy. "I would say that is NO WAY to treat a lady! Let alone a warrior!!" As the soldiers turn their focus back to him he lets loose a Hail of Arrows splashing down on their heads. 1D20=5. (sad clown noise here.) Steve! miscalculates his shot and the arrow splits right before impacting the ceiling. Most of the arrows stick with a chorus of thwaps. Not effective, but distracting.

Steve!'s attack also gives Gladiola the opportunity to leap back to her feet and, shedding the last of the slave girl garb, she steals back her hammer from its hidey hole. "You will very much regret your poor manners." she growls, waiting for the final arrows to land before leaping in to deliver her own form of education. She swings her hammer in a whirlwind over her head, creating a cyclone of air, and leaps into the crowd of soldiers who still stare at the sky looking for more missiles. As she makes contact with the crowd she roars angrily "DEATH STORM!!!" and lets the hammer have its OWN way with the soldiers. 1D20=10 (come on, give me dice to support the epic build-up!) The ruffians are caught up in the whirlwind and tossed to and fro. As they spin, Gladiola's hammer connects again and again. As the storm subsides, the foes are strewn about the hall. They appear to be injured, but not finished.

What will you do?

"Looks like you've injured some," hollers Steve!, scooting across the floor to a better vantage point, "but they’re not finished! Let's try a little of THIS!" and with his final word Steve! spins up an orb of flames in both hands, hurling it toward the piles of bodies starting to get back on their feet. 1D20=7

Seeing that the fireball was not all Steve! was hoping for, Gladiola adds to his blaze, targeting the front edge of soldiers and calling down the wrath of her one true God to smite them flamishly. "Burn, you infidels!" she snarls as the power leaps from her to them. "See what my gods think of men who would defile a lady!" 1D20=15

Steve!'s magical fire splatters across the fallen foes burning away at their armor. They leap to their feet and begin to attempt to extinguish the flames. Just as they seem to be gaining control of the fire, a wall of holy flames erupt from the floor. Their flesh begins to melt away as they scream in agony. The blaze subsides, leaving only bones and the remains of scorched armor.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER FOUR!

Chapter Two - Fury of Fionaming

2009-04-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

"This cannot be!" the cloaked figure cries out. Steve! notices one of the guards with one arrow stuck in his thigh and another through his shoulder begin to move. "Arise pathetic underlings and do my bidding!" A crimson fog pours out from the cloaked figures hands and cascades over the floor of the great hall. The fog subsides, and the soldiers begin to rise. Their eyes are sunken and hollow. They pick up their weapons and start to attack again. Their movements appear slower and less coordinated then when they first attacked.

What will you do?

Recognizing the stench of the undead filling the room Gladiola steps back from the crowd of shuffling mass to join Steve!. "This does not bode well, my friend" she mutters, wringing her hands around her hammer.

"Me thinks this is a time better suited to your new cleric powers than your warrior powers, chum of mine." he responds. "Anything clerical you could march out to display?" Gladiola runs through the internal inventory, searching for something that feels religious and holy in nature.

"Perhaps a Pleasing Mist..." she purrs, her hand raising to symbolically bar the zombies path. As she does, a silver mist begins to mix with the crimson fog on the floor, a gaseous battle of wills. 1D20=10 The silver mist flows out over the newly undead doom doom di da duh doom doom doom doom..wait do you hear that...anyways, the sliver mist...in a gadda da vida honey...I SAID, the silver mist envelops the undead who seem to lose all interest in fighting. Instead they seem to wander aimlessly about. A group of three in the corner have taken up a game of hacky sack while the rest seem to just be generally...pleased.

"allow me to lend aid." Steve! raises his own hand, grabbing hold of the bright charge of energy now living deep in his chest and releasing it in brilliant blue arcs shooting from his fingertips out toward the undead mass. 1D20=4 (gulp - please don't shock his nether-regions!) The lighting emitting from Steve!'s hands seems to sputter out before reaching the zombies. His hands surge periodically and give him small jolts like from sticking your finger in a light socket. Try as he might, he can't seem to make the painful bursts stop.

The cloaked figure throws back her hood "ENOUGH!" She is haggard and scarred and with really bad posture. Opening the palms of her hands top the sky, they begin to glow with purple fire.

What will you do?

Thinking quickly, Steve! raises his bow and sends another hail of arrows shooting at the crone, aiming specifically for her thin, frail wrists in an effort to remove her of those weighty hands of doom. 1D20=18 Simultaneously Gladiola rushes low at her, gunning for the mid-section and shouting "Death Storm!" as her hammer spins at the end of her wrist! 1D20=2, so apparently she didn't tie her shoes or something... Steve!'s Hail of Arrows is truly spectacular as he lets fly with thirteen arrows, which all split becoming a rainstorm of pointy mayhem. The cloaked figure is pierced like a pincushion over and over. Still, she does not falter as the glow from her palms grows. Gladiola's hammer flies from her hand and clunks around on the floor before spinning under a large table. She also falls and skins her knee.

Droplets of purple light fall from the hags hands causing small holes to burn into the floor around her. She begins laughing maniacally. "Ha hahaha hah! Did you think your pathetic sticks could harm the likes of me?" She turns her left hand over and the purple light falls to the ground like liquid searing a hole quickly through it. 23 seconds later, a human shaped form of earth and purple fire emerges from the hole. It begins to lumber towards the adventurers.

What will you do?

No time for embarrassment now, Gladiola dusts off her skinned knee and leaps back to her feet. She knows that this woman is a more substantial menace than any they've faced thus far, and as such this new monster should be regarded with equal trepidation. "Steve!, I think we should combine forces on this beastie!" she calls, summoning the power to inspire the attack of THUNDER HAMMER. "When I throw my hammer, you should charge it with your Electro Bolt and we will send this menace back to the hell from which she raised it!" Gladiola hurls her hammer, fueled with the awesome might of Thunder, towards the purple and dirt monster. 1D20=18 As it leaves her hands blue streaks of lightening erupts from Steve!'s fingers, striking the hammer and shooting it forward with a vibrant blue glow! 1D20=15 The towering mass is struck with the full force of Thunder and Lightening!!_tm (Take that, yo!) The abomination explodes with the violent force of the combined storm furies sending pieces of glowing earth throughout the room There is a great BOOM and flash of light as all remnants of its existence vaporize. Just then Harrish runs into the room still screaming from the blazing fire engulfing his body. The wretched witch dumps the other handful of purple light upon his burning body and he is transformed in a large burning warrior of flame. A giant flaming sword appears in his hand and he leaps toward Steve!.

What will you do?

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE???" screams Steve!, preparing to fire another volley of arrows at the burning form. Gladiola steps to his side, drawing down the bow as she lets loose another fog of Pleasing Mist.

"This may be a time to fight fire with a DIFFERENT kind of fire." she whispers. 1D20=11

Steve!'s arrows burn to a cinder one by one as they enter the burning hulk. As the Pleasing Mist wraps around the warrior, the flames subside...doom doom di da duh doom doom doom doom...what is that...are you hearing that?...in a gadda da vida honey...the giant sits down and crosses his legs before falling backwards. Lying on his back, he starts to make dead body angels and hum.

"Now you will face all of my power fools!" The cloaked woman...decloaks...and rushes toward the adventurers. He fingers grow to become talons over a foot long which she uses to slash away at Gladiola. One hand strikes her leaving four gashes across her side.

What will you do?

"Dude! Seriously not cool!" yells Gladiola, clutching at her gashed side. She allows the saber-nailed witch to complete the rush past her and whirls to follow behind, hammer raised over her head once again. "Let's see if this will work this time..." she grumbles as she swings her mighty hammer before her, crying in full force "Death STOOORM!!!" 1D20=5 (ok, so that power is just broken and I want a new one that doesn't always result in her falling on her mighty face... mutter, mutter... stupid dice roller... punches the wall...) The pain of her wounds causes he to shift her balance to that side throwing off her attack. A whirling barrage of blows...goes right by the she witch not even connecting a little bit. Gladiola finds it hard to stop her momentum and crashes into table.

Steve! sees the horrible old visage rushing past Gladiola, having done initial damage there, and head on toward him. He searches his new powers for anything he hasn't yet used, and finds a small talisman in his pocket that reads simply 'trick shot'. "Here goes nothin'." he says as he hangs the talisman from the top corner of his mystical bow, aims carefully at the crone's disfigured, agonized face and fires... 1D20=12 A single arrow glances off a parlor mirror reflecting upward to cut the chain of the heavy chandelier looming above the hideous beast. It then catches the edge of a clock on the opposite wall, spins, and continues on. It then strikes a flask of brandy perched on a dining table sending its contents spraying on the she witch. The chandelier falls directly on her head where the lit candles on it set the brandy soaked creature ablaze. Screaming and writhing she reaches out towards her dropped cloak. As if hearing her call, it rises and dashes toward her. It wraps itself around her, dousing the flames and completely concealing her. Her cloaked form lies kneeling on the floor.

What will you do?

"Enough of this." Steve! stands over the cloaked witch, smoke still rising from her body. "This battle could go on forever, and we don't even know who we are battling or why. I think it is time we had a chat with he who started us on this new, epic path." Steve! raises his hands above his head and cries to the heavens "Behold Wizard -- we require you!" 1D20=2

Sensing that her companion's new power may not be enough to call forth the wizard, Gladiola also raises her hands to the skies and repeats the call skyward. "Behold Wizard -- we require you!" 1D20=11. Finally the two combine their forces and call together: "Return to us, Oh Wizard!!!" 1D20=17

"WWWWWizard!" An incredible laser light show and explosions appear. Bursting through the smoke comes...The Wizard! Hearing the famous cry of The Wizard the cloaked she-witch rises.
"No...not The Wizard! Forgive me O great one! I did not know these were your disciples!"
"And I didn't know that you were such a huge crapweasel!
"Your the crapweasel."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing...you cannot have them they must die!"
She leaps towards The Wizard, her claws spread. The Wizard spins and strikes her strongly with his staff. "Most Excellent Strike!" Shockwaves ripple through her body and she is sent flying through the room. She quickly rebounds and sends a bolt of energy towards The Wizard. He dodges the blast and leaps high into the air. Coming down on top of the she witch, he extends his staff. "Atomic Wedgie!" The staff grabs hold of her underpants and with a flick of his wrist, pulls them up into the heavens.
"AAAAhhhhoooooHHHH!!!"
The Wizard extends his palm to connect with the she witches forehead. "Most Excellent Mind Melt!" Her body goes limp and falls to the floor. Gelatinous ooze pours from her ear canal. The Wizard stands astride her lifeless corpse. One of the especially pleased zombies sitting in the corner pondering a flower can be heard to remark "Excellent!"
What will you do?

Steve! and Gladiola stand, beholding the impressive display of carnage at their feet. Given what this Wizard can do, it seems clear challenging him would be suicide and confusing to ask what need he would have of the two of them. They exchange glances of trepidation, and Steve! speaks. "Uuummm... now what?" to which Gladiola "Boss."

"You have shown promise, and have adapted to your new skills quickly. But you still have much to learn before you can fulfill your destiny." The Wizard spins his staff in a circle around the repulsive she witch's corpse and it disappears into dust. Where it once lay, there remains only a silver key on a thin chain. "There are many obstacles still in your path and your journey shall be filled with danger." Waving his hand across the room, the very pleased zombies turn to dust and are blown away by a forceful wind. "If you remember to always be cool and excellent, all shall go as it was foretold to be. Behold!" He motions towards the large windows on the opposite wall. As Gladiola and Steve! look for the nature of the omen...they see nothing. Absolutely nothing. No burning bush. No solar eclipse. Nada. They turn around confused and The Wizard is gone. No trace of his presence remains.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER THREE!

Chapter One - The Epic Begins.

2009-04-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

Steve! and Gladiola reach around on the floor and walls of this very dark room for a torch, lighter, one of those wind-up (and not yet invented) flashlights. Steve! finds a sunrune on the ground. Rubbing it between his fingers it starts to glow. Dimly at first, but then enough to see around them. There are in a large room. Broken glassware and what looks like sleeping bodies lie throughout the hall. The light from the sunrune hits a large blue orb sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the room and a faint glow comes from within it. What do you do?

Steve! and Gladiola both stand. Using the sunrune for light they creep silently towards the large blue orb and, once arriving at its side, they examine it closely. Maybe they even touch it, except that I don't want them to blow up or get a terrible fungus or something, so if they would die from touching it they don't touch it. But if they can touch it they totally do.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a strange wizard appears. "Stop! Don't not touch the mystical orb!" He pulls his cloak over the blue orb and the glowing ceases. "Do you think you are ready to embrace the power that lies within the orb?" Well...do you?

"Wizard, we ARE ready to embrace the orb's power. Bestow it upon us now!" Bellows Steve!, laying his hand on his hip so as to look as impressive as possible, being unarmed as they both are.

"So be it foolish travelers! Turn the dial and place your hand upon the orb." Below the orb is a small dial, and around it are four different icons which you recognize as warrior, cleric, ranger, and sorcerer. Check out the cool first level powers sheet available to the left of this page. What will you do?

Gladiola approaches the orb, turning the dial below the blue glow to rest on "warrior". She then places both of her hands upon the orb, surprised to find it ice cold to the touch.

"Aaahh! The brave warrior, interesting choice. You will often find the that there is a difference between the right choice and the most excellent choice." The wizard turns the dial half way between the warrior and cleric icons and holds Gladiola's hands to the orb. There is a flash of light and odd muffled sound of a wet sandwich hitting a chalkboard. Gladiola is transformed into a holy warrior cleric possessing all the powers of both. "Your turn Steve!" The wizard turns the knob 180 degrees and hold both of Steve!'s hands to the orb. After about 30 seconds of nothing happening, the wizard kicks the pedestal. After about another 30 seconds he turns the dial all the way around and kicks the pedestal again. Steve! is bathed in a warm, bright light and transformed into an arcane ranger sorcerer possessing all the powers of both. After a few incoherent incantations from the wizard, a large hammer, shield and armor appear before Gladiola. At Steve!'s feet appear a cloak, unstrung bow, and amulet. "Remember foolish travelers, always do what is cool and excellent, and cool and excellent things will be done unto you." The form of the wizard turns into dust and is gone. Just then the blue orb releases a blinding flash of light and Gladiola and Steve! are sent reeling into a flashback...

You were both invited to a big party at the "Fortress of Ultimate Sorrow"tm by Lord Malgamamarsh. Once there, you discovered that your host was not so gracious after all. You overheard one of his servants talking about the ones from the prophecy and pointing at you. Soon after there was a mighty bloodbath of carnage and mayhem leaving everyone in the grand hall dead. Or so they thought.

Slipping back into the present, Gladiola and Steve! hear pounding on a large door and gruff voices. What will you do?

Gladiola, now fueled with the battle passion of a fighter and the divine light of a cleric, points to the wall opposite from the door. "Steve!," she commands, "you take a safe distance and see if you can string the bow, not to mention find any kind of arrows around here. there is no time to put on my new, shiny (SHINY) armor, but I will answer the door and hope that if I find enemies I will have the might and the mastery to crush them into a fine, speckledy powder!"

Steve! collects his ranger wizard gear and jogs to the far wall, finding himself mystically trained in the art of well stringing his new bow. There is no bow string. Steve!'s excellent wizard knowledge tells him that this is Magical Bow of Mysticalness which needs no string or arrows. Simply grab where the string should be and a knocked arrow will appear. Oooh, Shiny! Thanks M.E.A.T Master! Meanwhile, Gladiola plasters her back to the wall beside the door. Once she is sure that Steve! is a safe distance away she places a single hand flat on the door and, in her boldest voice, calls through the thick wood. "Whooisit??" she barks.

"Open the door!" the gruff voice calls back banging even harder this time. In the background you can hear what sounds like the voice of an old woman, soft and frail.
"I ...ought they were suppo... be..ll..dead. ...hat ..reachery is th..."
"They were, I swear it."
Before you can act, the door blasts open with a mighty whoosh! Gladiola is blown backwards. Tumbling on the ground, the new found armor seems to attach itself as she rolls over the pieces one by one. In the now open doorway stands two large human guards. They are wearing leather armor with a large M burned into the chest piece. You can barely make out a cloaked figure behind them.
What will you do?

Gladiola lies on the floor, staring up at the guards. She keeps her eyes locked on them while simultaneously feeling frantically around her on the floor for her hammer. As the first begins to move forward an arrow flies over her, headed straight for the M on the guard's chest. She peers behind her to see Steve! loading another arrow to his bow, and Gladiola uses his attack as the distraction to allow her to reach across the floor, grab her hammer and scramble to her feet. She whirls to face her opponents as Steve! steps forward, bow at the ready, preparing to fire a second arrow.

"Who are you?" demands Gladiola, hammer positioned to strike, "and what do you want with me, and with Steve!?"

"We want you..." the cloaked figure speaks up, "to DIE!!!"

The guards come rushing into the room pulling swords from their backs.

Combat Begins! Attack results are determined by the roll of a 20-sided die (1D20=) Turn order: Gladiola, Steve!, Guards. What will you do?

As the guards rush forth Gladiola swings her hammer over her right shoulder like a baseball bat, crashing it forward and into the big, barrel, M-marked chest of the first guard with all of her might. 1D20=8 At the same moment, Steve! back-peddles toward the back wall while knocking another of his super-cool mystic arrows to his super-cool mystic bow. He lets loose the implied string, aiming the projectile at the face of the second guard rushing by his partner. 1D20=6 - yeowch! Gladiola's greenness as a warrior cleric shows as the guard dips under the blow. It crashes against his shoulder doing some damage, but not enough to stop him. Steve! is wary of the magical bow and is still new to it's ways. The mystic arrow misses the target and breaks a lovely vase holding a large bouquet. The guard does not seem pleased.

The guards engage the warriors. You can see up close that their name tags read Glen and Harrish. Glen swings his sword at Gladiola, but she feels her body moving with the new imbued instinct of a fine warrior cleric, and dodges the attack. Harrish is on the other side of the room and begins to charge at Steve!

What will you do?

Gladiola, angered by feeling so strong with the powers yet not able to use them expertly, whirls around Glen and his flying sword. "I will find the way to CRUSH you, Glen!" she growls, tapping into these new powers to find one that will allow her to make good on her threat. She takes her hammer once again in both hands, funnels her angry energy from deep in her dragony core and swings it in a circle around her body once before letting it loose with the fire of THUNDER HAMMER! 1D20=5 (seriously? more like pussy hammer! sigh.) Gladiola feels the words coming out of her mouth, but they are with an awkward faltering. Like a 15 year old band geek being given a night with a swimsuit model. Her hammer begins to quake and rumble...and then...nothing. It falls lifeless to the floor with a resounding thud. All powers will hit on better than a five, but not a five or lower, I mean...come on.

Steve!, a much more introspective and thoughtful soul, steps back quickly to evade Harrish's attack. Realizing that this bow will take at least a little time to become comfortable, he also taps into his core of new-found powers, grabbing hold of a spark he finds there and rolling it forward until it appears as a fiery ball floating in his hand. Seconds before Harrish's attack is to contact Steve! hurls the FIREBALL in his direction with gusto! 1D20 (+100 for typing w/ fingers crossed)=11 (better, but still fmeh) The fireball strikes the ground underneath Harrish and bursts into a roaring blaze. Harrish is instantly consumed in it and set alight. His burning body begins to scream and wail as he runs out the door and down the hall.

Glen seeing his friend set ablaze, turns for the door and begins to run...but then he turns around and attacks Gladiola again. This time his sword strikes her shield firmly and makes a pleasant clang sound.

What will you do?

"Clang me, will you???" demands Gladiola with the tone of a famous warrior, despite her futile attacks thus far. "I will SHOW you CLANG, impudent whelp!!" Reaching again into her internal bag of tricks (dirty!) she also touches on a spark of promise and, rather than reaching down to retrieve her hammer she allows the heat to build behind her eyes. Moments later the flames erupt from her eyes as she calls forth, as if from nowhere, a cleric's curse of the infidel. "Let the purity and light of my new lord Clarabell clean you from the face of this good earth!!!" 1D20=17 (now that's what I"m talkin' bout!) Glen drops his sword and starts to scratch at his skin. His face winces in pain as his body contorts. Then small tears in his flesh become visible and flames begin to erupt forth. Glowing hands appear from nowhere and rip Glen apart. Nothing remains but small pieces, still hot with holy fire.

"You didn't really think it would be that easy did you?" the cloaked figure speaks. "DESTROY THEM!!" Ten more guards rush into the room, the hunger for destruction in their eyes. In the distance you can still hear the cries of Harrish. "When will this burning stop! Aaaaaahhh!"

What will you do?

In a single, swift movement belying her inexperience in battle Gladiola drops to the floor, grabbing up her hammer and rolling back to her feet. The shocking success of her attack on Glen has invigorated her and she lunges forward into the charging guards, roaring and flailing her hammer left and right into them, channeling her Death Storm power as she goes! 1D20=15 You have to actually say "Death Storm" to use the power. I don't know why, these are just the rules. Gladiola's hammer begins to blur as she swings it back and forth, dealing out righteous punishment as she goes. Cracked bones and shattered skulls fall in a wake behind her.

As his chum disappears into the crowd of enemies Steve worries that she's in over her head and searches his new-found abilities for how best to lend her appropriate aid. As if by magic the words "Hail of Arrows" fills his head, and as he readies his mystical bow and never-ending arrows, aiming for the crowd, he calls to Gladiola "Rain's a-comin', Gladiola -- better get your umbrella!!" Like a well-practiced tactic she instinctively raises her shield over her head, continuing to storm at the group's bodies under it's protection. 1D20=7 (dang) Steve fires two arrows from the bow, never having to stop to reload, and sends them arcing over the crowd. Both of them split into many before turning to rain down upon the helpless foes. Many are skewered by the shower of piercing death as Gladiola's shield protects her from the storm. When the last one hits the floor she looks up to see no movement but her own.

CONTINUED NEXT WEEK IN CHAPTER TWO!

M.E.A.T. -- An Introduction

2009-04-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

On February 26th, 2009 Ghostclown, the Master of M.E.A.T., got tired of waiting for his turn on an epic, albeit slow-moving, D&D game and took matters into his own hands. And from those hands came M.E.A.T. (wait. That sounds bad. Ignore that. Imagine I said something way more epic and way less gross.)

M.E.A.T. is a collaborative, written improv experiment. Co-written by Femtastic and Ghostclown the M.E.A.T. Master, the following weekly chapters are as they flowed from our fingers with just about no cleaning up. (we fix typos. Because seriously, who doesn't fix typos, right? And spelling? We fix spelling. But practically no cleaning up at all.) We hope you enjoy! (but even if you don't we'll keep doing it. It's pretty much just for our crazy, goofy enjoyment. So if one of you likes it, that's just gravy. Epic, M.E.A.T.-y Gravy.)...

You will find this similar to D&D only more excellent and with shorter delay times between actions. {for you readers there will be NO delay times between actions. You're welcome} One writer is controlling a pair of adventurers. Please designate their names, genders, and races.

Adventurer #1: Steve! (exclamation point is included please), male half-elf (with 1/4 irish)

Adventurer #2: Gladiola Dangersword the 2nd, female dragonborne

Rulings and other direction from Ghostclown the M.E.A.T. Master will always be red, italic and underlined. Responses and other comments from Femtastic are blue and italic.

Currently they are both level zero. They have no skills. They are nothing. They have no items. There is nothing special about them. (there is always something special about Steve!.) No, there is nothing special about Steve!.

Steve! and Gladiola awaken to find themselves in a very dark room. Neither can see much farther than the hand in front of their face. What would you like to do?

CONTINUED FRIDAY IN CHAPTER ONE